“I crossed a time zone and I feel younger already. If I keep traveling west, I can become immortal!” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Today is the one that introduces Yesterday to Tomorrow. If it weren't for Today, Nostalgia would never meet Hope.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I laughed so hard I nearly spit out my hot tea. The strange part was the fact that I was drinking coffee… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Most of the time, I feel like Phelps. At least when I’m not winning Olympic gold medals, which is an all the… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I always feel elfish around noonish, and selfish around 12:01. The best time to be in love is between those two points.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My ballsack contains Future People. I’m holding a Meet ‘N’ Greet this Saturday in Branson.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’ve often been told I fight like a girl, probably because from the moment I whip off my bra, my opponent knows… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The only time I’ll eat Italian wedding soup is if I’m wearing a tuxedo and eating with a priest.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“When I saw a murder taking place, I almost didn’t have time to make coffee before stopping it. But thank God I… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I want to hire someone to stand outside my door and knock three times, with each knock being three years apart. At… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Some people try to change the world one life at a time. Others try to change the world one death at a… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Your writing can be chosen by one publisher and hated by all readers, or it can be rejected by one publisher and… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The last time I saw love was in my imagination while reading a book on Thomas Jefferson. Isn’t the Constitution of the… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick is a rust-colored blur of movement, caught in a moment, and transformed from motion into a physical object. Studying this… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“One time a woman made my heart flood with love, and then fled the scene of the subsequent boating accident. Many people… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Every morning I think: What’s the latest I can sleep in ‘til, and still be on time for work? Well, I used… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Don’t be jealous if I spend 50% of my time with you, and 50% of my time with others, because you get… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I live 30 times faster and more intensely than most people, so every year is a whole generation for me. I’d like… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to perpetually feed the hungry, stop all wars, educate the masses, and ensure everlasting peace for all… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The elevator wasn’t empty; it was full of fragrance. The perfume that lingered smelled like my past. Starting tomorrow, to focus on… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“It is possible to be in two dreams at once. If I dream about you, and you are asleep at the time,… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If radios and microwaves merged, then the ideal pop song would be three minutes, or the length of time a bag of… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I put a saddle on my salad, and I rode my horseradish to Rhode Island, where I was just in time to… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“People used to tell me that when I smile I really warm up the room. Well, the moment someone told me about… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I made friends with the future. But I’m still friends with the past.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“In these modern times, the only sensible thing to be is nonsensical.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I notice when you’re gone. Or do I? How can I observe something that isn’t there?” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“A blanket could be used to make sweet, sweet music with the love of your life. Hopefully that person is me, because I’ve been… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“A brick could be used to slow down time. Sort of like a camel in a wheelchair pushed by a thirsty Arab. Hey, Khalid,… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“I hid Mrs. Frozenwater’s body in the ice cube trays in my freezer. Better to keep her there than let her memory thaw out… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“Two similar words might lead to two similar ideas. They might also lead to the basement, which I recently converted into a dungeon/torture chamber.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“Nothing is and isn’t; nothing is and isn’t—nothing itself is, and at the same time, nothing isn’t.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“Dora J. Arod is to Jarod Ora, as yes is to yes. Yes is also the correct answer to “Will you marry me?” Other… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“The best part about being kidnapped is being blindfolded and getting kicked into the trunk of a car. Boy, normally I have to beg… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“Orafoura once told me that if I were a car, I’d be a Ferrari. One that was scratched smashed, rusted, and stolen.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“What makes a good leader? I ask myself this every day, and then as I begin to list off characteristics I realize I’m describing… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“I’d like to file a missing person’s report—on my clone. It’s nearly 2012. He should have been here by now.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
