Jokes Quotes · Page 65

A professional writer is a joke. You write because you can't do anything else, and then you have another job.

— Jamaica Kincaid

I loved the idea that I could write a joke and someone else would have to take the risk of performing it.

— Judd Apatow

They played a Chris Brown marathon on the radio station today. It was hit after hit.

— Anonymous

I guess the tone of jokes is often, at best, irreverent, but it always comes from a place of deep love.

— John Oliver

There are two kinds of jokes - funny jokes and Jack Benny jokes.

— Fred Allen

“He'd never been one for jokes, but of course he'd pick now to get a sense of humor.”

— Kiersten White

This Lent, I'm giving up making jokes about what I'm giving up.

— Anonymous

As for jokes, I don't think it's necessarily that what I write is funny.

— Peter David

I, like all artists in Western cultures, am a shaman...come in the guise of a comic...to heal perception by using...'jokes'...

— Bill Hicks

If your master is surly, from getting up early (And tempers are short in the morning), An inopportune joke is enough to…

— W. S. Gilbert

There's a glorious sense of freedom in comedy, just allowing myself to tell jokes, allowing myself to interrupt myself and tell old…

— Neil Gaiman

Given a little time for the pain to subside, dreadful experiences often can be the basis of funny jokes or stories.

— Steve Allen

Sometimes it feels like God has reached down and touched me, blessed me a thousand times over, and sometimes it all feels…

— Anne Lamott

One can always come up with funny lists and jokes. You know what? I take it back. Not everyone can always come…

— John Hodgman

I joke that if she [Debbie Wasserman Schultz] could find a 3 a.m. slot in the Home Shopping Network, she would grab…

— Jonathan Tasini

Often when you're filming comedy and you've done six or seven takes, the joke's been done and you know you're gonna have…

— Jim Howick

“The Severed Nose. What would you do if you came home one evening and found a severed nose lying on a plate…

— Jeff Strand

Well had the boding tremblers learn'd to trace The day's disasters in his morning face; Full well they laugh'd with counterfeited glee…

— Oliver Goldsmith

It's a difficult line to tread, where sometimes you go to the movies or you watch someone do publicity for movies or…

— Mike Birbiglia

Most of the people dishing out judgment have no working experience of the theatre, have not written a professional play, a sketch,…

— John Lahr

It might reasonably be maintained that the true object of all human life is play. Earth is a task garden; heaven is…

— Gilbert K. Chesterton

I remember the first joke that I made, which went over terribly. I was at my cousin's birthday party in Brooklyn. I…

— Zach Woods

No matter where they are or who they're with, dogs are incapable of being anything but themselves. Show me a dog that…

— Meghan Daum

What you never want to do is have a story that doesn't track emotionally, because then you're going joke to joke and…

— Paul Feig

That's what my books are, now that I'm a grownup - mosaics of jokes.

— Kurt Vonnegut

Steven Wright can do Steven Wright very well. Not everyone can do Steven Wright's jokes with the same results.

— Wyatt Cenac

Etc: The word that makes people think you are smarter than you really are.

— Nikhil Saluja

I love a stupid joke, something that doesn't make any sense.

— Chelsea Handler

We all have been in love and all fell out of love... I rather fall in shit then fall in love again...

— Kevin McCarty

The biggest risk for this generation is to have a haircut from a new salon..!!

— Anonymous

Humor is when the joke's on you but hits the other fellow first -- before it boomerangs.

— Langston Hughes

A joke isn't yours. It's used and you don't know where it's been.

— Ricky Gervais

People write a lot of similar material. That's why I try to come up with the most absurd jokes.

— Daniel Tosh

I can't tell a joke to save my soul. It's just not my thing, though I love to listen to jokes.

— Carol Burnett

Marriage is a workshop, where the husband works and the wife shops.

— Anonymous

If people get their feelings hurt from jokes, then they are too delicate to be in society.

— Ralphie May

Mathematics is a collection of cheap tricks and dirty jokes.

— Lipman Bers

“Please believe me. I've nothing against you personally. It's just that I laugh at all jokes.”

— Fakeer Ishavardas

I've got foundation jokes, the ones that got me where I am, so everything I do just builds on top of that.

— Gabriel Iglesias

Happy April 1st everyone! May your day be filled with obnoxious practical jokes.

— Anonymous