I've learned to have absolutely no regrets about any jokes I've ever done. — Joan Rivers Copy Share Image
I was getting dressed and a peeping tom looked in the window, took a look and pulled down the shade. — Joan Rivers Copy Share Image
I've had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware. — Joan Rivers Copy Share Image
You know it's time to start using mouthwash when your dentist leaves the room and sends in a canary. — Joan Rivers Copy Share Image
I've learned to have absolutely no regrets about any jokes I've ever done. You can tune me out, you can click me… — Joan Rivers Copy Share Image
My daughter and I are very close, we speak every single day and I call her every day and I say the… — Joan Rivers Copy Share Image
But you do have to learn, if you want to be a satirist, you can't be part of the party. Meaning, you… — Joan Rivers Copy Share Image
I was so ugly that my parents sent my picture to 'ripley's believe it or not' - they sent it back and… — Joan Rivers Copy Share Image
A child can be taught not to do certain things, such as touch a hot stove, pull lamps off of tables, and… — Joan Rivers Copy Share Image
I must admit I am nervous about getting Alzheimer's. Once it hits, I might tell my best joke and never know it. — Joan Rivers Copy Share Image
Both of my parents got to see me host Carson, thank God. That's all anyone wants: to have their parents see they're… — Joan Rivers Copy Share Image
You know you've reached middle age when you're cautioned to slow down by your doctor, instead of by the police. — Joan Rivers Copy Share Image
I've learned what's funny verbally ain't so funny on e-mail: They don't hear your intonations. Melissa broke up with somebody over that.… — Joan Rivers Copy Share Image
I made so many jokes about poor Russell Crowe, he once knocked on my dressing room door, and told me he wanted… — Joan Rivers Copy Share Image
I've learned to have absolutely no regrets about any jokes I've ever done You can tune me out, you can click me… — Joan Rivers Copy Share Image
Every comedian is furious. Age makes me angry. I'm unhappy at not being able to open packages anymore. I'm angry that libraries… — Joan Rivers Copy Share Image
Sure I do a lot of jokes about Anne Frank. But when you do those jokes, it makes people remember what happened… — Joan Rivers Copy Share Image
We don't apologize for a joke. We are comics. We are here to make you laugh. If you don't get it, then… — Joan Rivers Copy Share Image
I enjoy life when things are happening. I don't care if it's good things or bad things. That means you're alive. — Joan Rivers Copy Share Image
As comedians, we are all laughing because life is so horrible. Life is so difficult, and I cope with it by making… — Joan Rivers Copy Share Image
I didn't want to do 'Fashion Police' because I thought, 'This is stupid, this is beneath me, who wants to talk about fashion?' It… — Joan Rivers Copy Share
I was getting dressed and a peeping tom looked in the window, took a look and pulled down the shade. — Joan Rivers Copy Share
All my way through college, I worked my way as a window dresser for Lord & Taylor, so I always liked fashion. I always… — Joan Rivers Copy Share
Everyone thinks Angelina Jolie was the first celebrity baby hoarder, but she wasn't. Before Angelina there was Mia Farrow. Mia had an entire farm… — Joan Rivers Copy Share
I have no sex appeal, which kills me. The only way I can ever hear heavy breathing from my husband's side of the bed… — Joan Rivers Copy Share
If you hate something, you hate it, and if you like something or somebody, you like it, but tell the truth. And most celebrities… — Joan Rivers Copy Share
I know now that everybody in the arts is forever a beginner. Experience counts for a great deal and very little. Every night onstage… — Joan Rivers Copy Share
My breasts are so low now I can have a mammogram and a pedicure at the same time. — Joan Rivers Copy Share
I love Vines. You make this 6.4-second drama, and you can reach 6 million viewer, and make people laugh. I find it so fabulous. — Joan Rivers Copy Share
Grandchildren can be annoying - how many times can you go: "And the cow goes moo and the pig goes oink"? It's like talking… — Joan Rivers Copy Share
