Jokes Quotes · Page 63

Fame is a big joke. Stars need to stop taking themselves so seriously.

— Avril Lavigne

Anything where we're the butt of the joke, no one tells us about it.

— Chris Martin

There are no relationship problems that can't be solved through suitable application of high explosives.

— Nikhil Saluja

Dear math, grow up and solve your own stupid problems I'm sick and tired of doing it for you!

— Anonymous

I am a fan of whatever makes me laugh my ass off. If it happens to be a Jew joke, then it's…

— Alex Borstein

I can't find someone funny whom I don't like. Hitler told great jokes. I didn't find it funny at all.

— Ricky Gervais

I secrete jokes like the pancreas secretes... whatever the pancreas secretes.

— Marshall Brickman

Crusaders have just f-ked me over what a bas-rd joke, excuse my language I'm absolutely furious.

— Keith Senior

Like water leaking through a dam," said Piper. "Yeah," smiled Percy. "We've got a dam hole." "What?" Piper asked. "Nothing," he said.…

— Rick Riordan

“Laugh and fear not, creatures. Now that you are no longer dumb and witless, you need not always be grave. For jokes…

— C.S. Lewis

I'm a joke comic. I tell jokes. I like writing a joke, and I like when a joke works, and I like…

— Dave Attell

“Still,” he says, “if I shared my doubts with you, about God and love and life and death, that’s all you’d have:…

— Daniel Wallace

Watching an adaptation of your novel can be a violent experience: seeing your old jokes suddenly thrust at you can be alarming.…

— Martin Amis

It's so easy to judge everybody and for some reason extra weight is the one thing everything feels OK to joke about.

— Caroline Rhea

Twitter is a much more dangerous cauldron of group-think than happy hours or dinners. On Twitter, the reward comes from agreeing or…

— David Weigel

A rumor that followed me forever was that my family was in the mafia. For years I had to live with it.…

— Giuliana Rancic

I always wanted to be a comedic actor - that's what I wanted from the job - to do comedy and to…

— Adam DeVine

I think it's cool to play characters who are very joke-y and yet you can show a total serious, very somber side…

— James Phelps

I don't do Jewish stuff because I don't want people to be left out. If I mention the Torah in Alabama, it's…

— Rita Rudner

I don't like any one race or look or type of guy. My tastes as far as looks go are very diverse.…

— Sasha Grey

Kindergarten teacher trying to explain the definition of the word definitely. To make sure, she asks the students to use the word…

— Sharlene05

Now, as Mandelbrot points out, ... Nature has played a joke on the mathematicians. The 19th-century mathematicians may not have been lacking…

— Freeman Dyson

That's what happens with most comedies. If you watch 10 minutes and there's no joke, then you're disappointed because you're expecting jokes.…

— Quentin Dupieux

Nate Silver says this is a 73.6 percent chance that the president is going to win. Nobody in that campaign thinks they…

— Joe Scarborough

You name any horrific thing, and I can make a joke out of it.

— Quentin Tarantino

I think I love jokes! The best jokes are equal to the best art, in my mind, and as rare.

— Travis Nichols

I've never written jokes. I mean, I'll write things on a piece of paper and riff on them onstage.

— David Cross

When I said What did I do this time? I really meant What did you catch me doing?

— Nikhil Saluja

Ladies don't ask for much. They just want shoes, diamonds, less work, free money & a perfect man.

— Nikhil Saluja

Dear Parents, go buy a calculator and solve your own problems. I'm not a therapist.

— Kevin McCarty

Most men don't realize their wife's worth till a judge decides the alimony amount

— Anonymous

When I was 14, I thought I was the coolest kid in school because I told everyone the jokes in FHM.

— Megan Fox

I learned to think about religion, race and sex through the complex and often unattractive medium of jokes.

— Andrew Hudgins

Have you considered the option of getting the joke? If not, try it now and redeem your soul.

— Erik Naggum

Let me rub your tummy girl till' you feel better babe, read you something funny, girl. Jokes to make you laugh.

— Miguel Jontel

I did a theatrical performance about puns. Really it was just a play on words.

— Nikhil Saluja

Always laugh heartily at the jokes your boss tells, it maybe a loyalty test.

— Anonymous

That moment when you say something and everyone laughs, so you just sit there like a boss.

— Anonymous

Why do we call it truth or dare when we all know it's really Who do you like or Awkward sexual task.

— Pretty Ladii

A good mathematical joke is better, and better mathematics, than a dozen mediocre papers.

— John Edensor Littlewood