Jokes Quotes · Page 61

Is anything wrong, dear? the old joke went. No, why? You moved. Just don't move.

— Margaret Atwood

For the amount of talent I had (and I couldn't dance, act, or tell a joke) I enjoyed a tremendous career.

— Perry Como

If you keep up with pop culture, everybody knows the joke.

— Shawn Wayans

What's worse than a bull in a china shop? A hedgehog in a condom factory.

— Anonymous

I don't think my film style has changed. I'm doing the same kind of jokes I did when I was younger.

— Woody Allen

... she, that will with kittens jest, Should bear a kitten's joke.

— William Cowper

I have a computer, a vibrator, & pizza delivery. Why should I leave the house?

— Nikhil Saluja

I'm used to explaining to people why my jokes were funny.

— Gilbert Gottfried

“The least we each ought to do for someone who treats us like a king or a queen is to treat them…

— Mokokoma Mokhonoana

Humorists are using Twitter to tell jokes in an interesting way. It doesn't have to be profound, and it doesn't have to…

— James Gleick

The remarkable thing about television is that it permits several million people to laugh at the same joke and still feel lonely.

— Anonymous

Essentially a joke is creating an idea, whether sonic or visual, whether it's something musical or a traditional joke.

— Reggie Watts

When you thought I wasn't looking I saw tears come from your eyes, and I learned that sometimes things hurt, but it's…

— Nikhil Saluja

I have an airplane hangar with 17 cars in it. That's no joke. I have a 'half pipe' in there, too -…

— Paul Walker

Every joke is an experiment. When you sit, alone, and write a script, or just a joke, you really have no idea…

— Judd Apatow

'St. Elmo's Fire' is one of my favorite films. I like the storytelling of those teenage American films. You don't get that…

— James McAvoy

Funny stories on set - there are thousands of them, but they are only funny to the people who were on the…

— Bruce Campbell

I always joke to my dad and thank him for giving me this little boy body. When I was 6 or 7,…

— Ali Krieger

Musalia [Mudavadi] has a much weaker character in person than [Musikari] Kombo, and you know the joke about humble Luhya servants as…

— Raila Odinga

Let the surgeon take care to regulate the whole regimen of the patient's life for joy and happiness by promising that he…

— Henri de Mondeville

My mother doesn't cook; my grandmother didn't cook. Her kids were raised by servants. They would joke about Sunday night dinner. It…

— Katharine Weymouth

“A traveling salesman was driving in the country when his car broke down. He hiked several miles to a farmhouse and asked…

— Anonymous

I think when people mean that Discworld books have become darker they really mean the series is growing up. In 'The Colour…

— Terry Pratchett

When I started out, the most terrifying thing was when I had to be very, very emotional in front of lots of…

— Julianne Moore

Why does the SPACE BAR make a louder noise than the rest ?

— Anonymous

FACT: Kissing burns 5.4 calories a minute¦¦ Ummm, wanna work out?

— Anonymous

I wanted to change the world . But I could not even change my underwear.

— John Grant

That Asian guy is really good at kicking. Shocking. Someone is pressing 'A' really fast somewhere.

— Daniel Tosh

Why do dogs love their daily walks? They get to check their p-mail!

— Nikhil Saluja

Jokes are generally honest. Complete solemnity is always dishonest.

— Gilbert K. Chesterton

Stereotypically speaking feminists can't take a joke. ::audience boo:: See?

— Louis C. K

“Now that I had assigned myself an act without jokes, I gave myself a rule. Never let them know I was bombing”

— Steve Martin

Jokes? There are no jokes. The truth is the funniest joke of all.

— Muhammad Ali

If my jokes offend you: 1. Im sorry. 2. It wont happen again. 3. 1 & 2 are lies. and 4. get over it.

— Anonymous

I'm sure we, the American people, are the butt of jokes by those in power.

— Alice Walker

You can dissect a joke just as you can a frog. But it tends to die on you.

— E. B. White

What is the difference between a blonde and a mosquito? The mosquito stops sucking after you slap it.

— Anonymous

Never joke at funerals, or during business transactions.

— Herman Melville

I like my jokes to be built on a foundation of ideas, or at least smart observations.

— George Carlin

Family jokes, through rightly cursed by strangers, are the bond that keeps most families alive.

— Stella Benson