Jokes Quotes · Page 44

I named my first born child after my mother-in-law. In fact, lazy fat ass bitch turns 5 tomorrow.

— Nikhil Saluja

I went to a meeting for premature ejaculators. I left early.

— Jack Benny

I'm a Macintosh nut. I got my PowerBook, so if I'm not writing jokes, I'm working on that.

— Jeff Dunham

Taking a call girl to an STD fair... there's a joke here.

— Donald Glover

Teacher: name four member of the cat family/ pupil:dady cat;momy cat;and two kittens :D

— Anonymous

All the jokes in my films, the comedy, they're not me, I just try to hold a big mirror up to us.

— Yahoo Serious

When you're an older woman [in a movie] you tend to be in - how did you put it? You're the brunt…

— Jane Fonda

I grew up in the projects. You have no choice but to fight. My jokes used to get me in fights.

— Marlon Wayans

Twitter taught me how to become better at writing jokes because it forces you to chip away at all the extraneous words.

— Peter Serafinowicz

When I'm writing columns, it's - all I'm thinking about is jokes, joke, joke, joke, setup, punch line, joke, joke, joke. And…

— Dave Barry

I like George Carlin's jokes. I like his humor. He's one of my heroes, and I like what he did with talking…

— Steven Wright

Kissing at the top, holding at the middle fire at the bottom. Do you know what is it? What ? Don't think…

— Pacifiersucker

If you had a donkey and I had a chicken and if your donkey ate my chicken what will you have? Three…

— Unkown

I can pretty much guarantee that if I do a show in a comedy club, there will be someone who will come…

— Lewis Black

In the end, perhaps we should simply imagine a joke; a long joke that's continually retold in an accent too thick and…

— Tom Robbins

I used to always crack jokes in class. I was a good liar and a good talker. I was just good. I…

— Drake

“To all you sensitive sallys out there who spend your time scribing angry letters, I have great news: Scientific models show that…

— Sarah Silverman

Granted, not really a joke, but how often do you get a mic in your hand? You know? So. I am sorry…

— Janeane Garofalo

The smallest decisions made had such profound repercussions. One ten-minute wait could save a life… Or end it… One wrong turn down…

— Sherrilyn Kenyon

Horse-play, romping, frequent and loud fits of laughter, jokes, and indiscriminate familiarity, will sink both merit and knowledge into a degree of…

— Lord Chesterfield

In all of Western civilization, there have been societies that celebrating the homosexuality, the ancient Greeks. But they, in fact, protected the…

— Ken Blackwell

People might be making too much of me maturing and growing; I’m still the same person. I still like to joke around…

— Patrick Kane

You have to have that emotional investment in the jokes that you're saying otherwise they actually don't work. You can say exactly…

— John Bishop

I knew I just loved comedy, and I think it was my parents who initially brought up the notion of me trying…

— Seth Rogen

Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Canada: Self-preserving, but open to meeting new people.

— Nikhil Saluja

I've got a very poor sense of direction. I keep forgetting which way is forwards.

— Geoffrey Parfitt

I hate those movies where hundreds of people get blown up and there are jokes afterward. They poison the soul.

— Rob Reiner

My penis should make me breakfast on morning. It is always up before I am.

— Anonymous

How to sleep faster, decorate your bedroom to look like a classroom

— Anonymous

For jokes as well as justice come in with speech. - Aslan, The Magician's Nephew

— Anonymous

I initially signed up for Twitter just to do jokes I wasn't going to do in my stand-up routine.

— Jim Gaffigan

God made woman and the other day he made beer because he was like holy fuck, sorry bro.

— Nikhil Saluja

Your pregnant is the only AprilFool joke you women got? Find a new joke cause that been played out years ago

— Deon Crockett

Dont do it in the Garden, they say love is blind but ur neighbor aint.

— Punkinhead Abhishek

To feel good about yourself, is there a quota on how many other people each day you have to condemn?

— Nikhil Saluja

I went to a fancy french restaurant called "Deja Vu." The headwaiter said, "Don't I know you?"

— Rod Schmidt

I joke that a person of color would never make a movie like 'Midnight in Paris.' Nostalgia isn't so enticing.

— Meshell Ndegeocello

If life a joke then I’m waiting for the punch. You all about the beef but me, I’m bout the bun.

— Mac Miller

Our country's social revolution lends itself to jokes and I use them.

— Nipsey Russell

Family jokes, though rightly cursed by strangers, are the bond that keeps most families alive.

— Stella Benson