Jokes Quotes · Page 46

I was always the class clown, and very outspoken with my jokes and comments.

— Sky Blu

The joke is that U2's new record only looked like a virus. Enjoy mining bitcoins for me losers.

— Thom Yorke

It's all fun and games, til someone drinks the last beer

— Anonymous

Tom did not suck my dick on a cruise while Kate Holmes ran away after Lord Xenu farted flying giraffes.

— Jeremy Limn

Ladies, you are delusional if you think you can give me a hand job better than I can.

— Nikhil Saluja

I do just want to do jokes. I don't want to be a divisive figure.

— Jim Gaffigan

My love life is terrible. The last time I was inside a woman was when I visited the Statue of Liberty.

— Woody Allen

There's usually nothing in a guy's joke in which we have to understand what's going on in someone else's mind.

— Robert Mankoff

She laughed when there was no joke. She danced when there was no music. She had no friends, yet she was the…

— Jerry Spinelli

I really like comedy. There's always a choice, when you're writing: you can either go for the joke or you can go…

— David Chase

Before you joke someone,make sure he's not in a bad mood.. If so,make sure your joke would not hurt him even more..

— Sachithra

Blank 1 Told Blank 3 something about Blank 2. Now Blank 2 Is Pissed Because Blank 3 Told On Blank 1. Now Blank 1 Want To Fight Blank 3.

— Tee Shepard

You know your girlfriend is too young when she'll do everything in bed but go upside down because it's too scary.

— Daniel Tosh

But there's times when I like to find the strange angles to something. People go, 'I heard a lot of jokes like…

— Godfrey

Whatever is funny is subversive, every joke is ultimately a custard pie... a dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion.

— George Orwell

If I do not do sensible things about investments I shall spend my old age in a workhouse, where nobody will understand…

— Rebecca West

We are not evil. We don't harm or seduce people. We are not dangerous. We are ordinary people like you. We have…

— Margot Adler

As I see it, mainstream comics now speak only to the hardcore few who stayed; conversing in a weird, garbled, visual pig…

— Scott McCloud

Some days I feel like everyone in my world has plugged themselves into my kidney. I'm so tired. But when you're having…

— Gwyneth Paltrow

You can be merry with the king, you can share a joke with him. But as Thomas More used to say, it's…

— Hilary Mantel

Writers tend to hate recurring characters; there's this writer snob thing about it. But I don't have that. I feel like the…

— Ana Gasteyer

I'm not a man who constantly thinks up jokes. But I think it's very important to be able to see the funny…

— Pope Benedict XVI

I use a lot of humor, and I follow the saying that if you want to tell people the truth, you better…

— Sayed Kashua

Deciding to take up jogging, the middle-aged man was astounded by the wide selection of jogging shoes available at the local sports…

— Babloo

Fancy restaurant: The only restaurant that serves you cold soup on purpose.

— Nikhil Saluja

I've found the recipe for happiness. Can someone just send me some money so that I can buy the ingredients?

— Scot Kennedy

Oh, you only live once? I had no idea, please tell me more.

— Anonymous

I always joke that I'm a British actress trying to break into Scandinavian TV.

— MyAnna Buring

That awkward moment when your friend jokingly says something about you but it secretly true.

— Anonymous

Open your eyes, close your mouth; See the flies, froze your laugh, cuz you now in dustbin

— Anonymous

I don't know any jokes, which is embarrassing. I wish I did.

— Marty Feldman

Don't Take It Seriously * When the HAIRDRESSER says, Do you want it teased or blown?

— Nikhil Saluja

I shouldn't tell jokes about my wife. she's attached to a machine that keeps her alive... The refrigerator.

— Rodney Dangerfield

Life's full of difficult choices…Call her back?...or Call of Duty?…decisions, decisions.

— Arjun Loveable

You should make a point of trying every experience once, excepting incest and folk-dancing.

— Anonymous

Yo mama is so hairy, she went to the zoo and the zookeeper said, Hey! We got a loose gorilla!

— Anonymous

A lot of comics just joke around, but it's just as important to get the truth out there.

— Lisa Lampanelli

My Instagram got deleted a lot of times. I used to do rough jokes and curse a lot.

— Cardi B

Beijing residents joke that to get a free smoke all they have to do is open their windows!

— Lee Hsien Loong

Dear Google: They are only using you to get to me! Sincerely Wikipedia

— Anonymous