French wine growers fear that this year's vintage may be entirely spoiled due to the grape treaders' sit-in. — Ronnie Corbett Copy Share Image
I'm a professional hanger outer. I'm a super liability, too. I joke around and I'm like a hyper-active child. — Donal Logue Copy Share Image
Exercise (ex*er*siz) v. -- To walk up and down a mall, occasionally resting to make a purchase. — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
Sweetie, if you opened a book more times than you opened your legs,you might actually get somewhere in life. — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
If the loser keeps his smile, the winner will loose the thrill of victory. — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
My friends joke that I raised the Titanic and never left the Rockies. — Clive Cussler Copy Share Image
I write for Reader's Digest. It's not hard. All you do is copy out an article and mail it in again. — Milt Kamen Copy Share Image
When my syndicated show got canceled, the next day I still knew how to write jokes. That was a huge revelation. Because… — Jon Stewart Copy Share Image
God gave us the miracle of life - sustaining water, & we turned it into Caffeine Free Diet Pepsi & Vodka. Good job, Morons. — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
Surrealism is anathema for me. Because the surrealists made a joke of everything. And I consider life a tragedy. — Louise Bourgeois Copy Share Image
Cocks are a lot like ovens. You would rather a woman was operating it but sometimes you have to use it yourself. — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
I like the purity of stand-up because it is all about whether people laugh at your jokes. Either they laugh or they… — Jo Brand Copy Share Image
“We would not be ashamed of doing some of the things we do in private, if the number of sane human beings… — Mokokoma Mokhonoana Copy Share Image
I certainly got the jokes within the joke, dressing up in a wet suit, sitting in a Twingo, scaling a rubber mountain,… — Pierce Brosnan Copy Share Image
I've always littered my songs with jokes. You might need to dig a little deeper to find the humor, but I would… — Cass McCombs Copy Share Image
Like everyone is either, "I grew up with it," or "I loved it," or loved them now. And when you watch The… — Nicholas Stoller Copy Share Image
It's important to be yourself. What art does for everyone, helps you understand yourself and in a distilled way, whether it's a… — Val Kilmer Copy Share Image
As the years went on, the audience has become very jaded. They've heard every joke, they've seen every story line, they know… — Betty White Copy Share Image
“There were a great many jokes about the disaster (house falling on and killing Wicked Witch of the East), naturally. "You can't… — Gregory Maguire Copy Share Image
It's fun when the writers start writing jokes to you, but also it's fun when the writers will come to you and… — David Alan Basche Copy Share Image
Audiences of critical thinkers are my favorite kinds of audiences. There are jokes I tell in the show that don't get laughs… — Adam Savage Copy Share Image
This specter of the female politician, who abandons her family to neglect for the sake of passing bills in parliament, is just… — Frances Power Cobbe Copy Share Image
Some People Don't Know When To Open Their Mouth And Talk. They Don't Know When To Start And Stop. They Don't Know… — Sabelo Lan Mashabela Copy Share Image
“what came first the chicken or the egg? The chicken. That is how it got knocked up in the first place.” — Teresa Mummert Copy Share Image
“Whether it is big or small, the size of a poor man’s yard incessantly reminds him that he is poor.” — Mokokoma Mokhonoana Copy Share Image
Mostly all famous inventions start off as an accidents. For instance, my invention of running over cats. — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
I like to joke with my wife that she's the CEO of... certainly of our household. — Scott Pruett Copy Share Image
If someone stole your tweet just write 50 more tweets or have them murdered. Simple. — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
I am the illegal alien of commentary. I will do the jokes that no one else will do. — Ann Coulter Copy Share Image
Fashion has become a joke. The designers have forgotten that there are women inside the dresses. — Coco Chanel Copy Share Image
John Deere's manure spreader is the only equipment the company won't stand behind. — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
I'm not a standup. I don't really have jokes. I don't have 10 minutes. It took a while for me to realize this. — Julia Sweeney Copy Share Image
Democrats are like a big tortoise that's on its back and can't get up; you can't make jokes about that. — Lewis Black Copy Share Image
It's hard to enjoy practical jokes when your whole life feels like one. — Rick Riordan Copy Share Image
Specifically in stand-up, I love jokes. I love short, structured ideas and a punchline. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
Im not saying I hate ya but if you happen to get hit by a bus, I might be the one driving.. — Kevin McCarty Copy Share Image
“The average adult hates being treated like a child, unless it suits them.” — Mokokoma Mokhonoana Copy Share Image
