Jokes Quotes · Page 43

I wanted to be funny. And I'm always acknowledged for my pranks and jokes nowadays.

— Steve Wozniak

I am a bit of a Cheap Pete, but I do spend a fortune on books and false moustaches and practical jokes.

— Karen Duffy

It's a lot easier, I think, to be an actor in a movie than to spin a joke on a sitcom.

— Nicole Sullivan

A lot of the comedians don't even tell the joke. Like only three tell the joke, the rest of them dissect it.

— Bob Saget

Hell, do I remember the first joke? I was never a jokester.

— Don Rickles

I sometimes joke that when I die, my tombstone will say, 'Here lies the guy who hired Jonathan Ive,'

— Robert Brunner

Laughter is the only tenable attitude in a universe which is a joke played on itself.

— Peter J. Carroll

Holy wow! it looks like your face caught fire and someone tried to put it out with a fork.

— Curly

I hope we find a cure for every major disease, because I'm tired of walking 5K. I'm pretty sure I don't have…

— Daniel Tosh

What's fascinating about doing comedy about the referendum is, because it is the first time, it is the most extraordinary atmosphere. You…

— Rory Bremner

Guys will definitely settle for women who get the joke. But a woman who can make you laugh? It's not high on…

— Hank Azaria

For telling a good and incisive religious joke, you should be praised. For telling a bad one, you should be ridiculed and…

— Rowan Atkinson

“seal. ♦◊♦◊♦◊♦ A bartender walks into a church, a temple and a mosque. He has no idea how jokes work. ♦◊♦◊♦◊♦ A…

— Various

What I usually do is tell funny stories from the road, many of which are, of course, unprintable. But I don't actually…

— Howard Dean

I understand what a normal political speech is. You get up there, tell a few jokes, you have the flags behind you,…

— Bernie Sanders

If you work on a lobster boat, sneaking up behind someone and pinching him is probably a joke that gets old real…

— Jack Handey

Mothers, take time to be a real friend to your children. Listen to your children, really listen. Talk with them, laugh and…

— Ezra Taft Benson

That's part of the comedy, too, is we do have jokes throughout of hanging a lantern on the absurdity of the world.…

— Raphael Bob-Waksberg

This is the most important joke I've ever heard. Niels Bohr, the founder of Quantum Physics, had a friend to dinner. As…

— John Cleese

Back in the day, if someone said that hip hop and rap was a fad, that was a joke to me because…

— Jam Master Jay

There's a great line by Joss Whedon: "Make it dark, make it grim, make it tough, but then, for the love of…

— Declan Shalvey

More than his exterior hit me. I felt warm and safe just being with him. He brought comfort after my terrible day.…

— Richelle Mead

I have been asked many times, Why do you laugh so much and make so many jokes? I become serious sometimes-when I…

— Swami Vivekananda

I make jokes about it, but it's the truth that I kind of patterned my look after the town tramp. I didn't…

— Dolly Parton

Who run the world girls, who run the girls boys, who fuck the girls boys boys :p

— Horla

I drove my expensive car into a tree and found out how the Mercedes bends.

— Nikhil Saluja

I like to joke that Inhofe is as far left as I'll go for an employer.

— Marc Morano

Only one in four jokes ever works, and I still can't predict what people will laugh at.

— Steven Wright

Personally - and I don't mean to brag - my jokes have been falling flat for most of my life.

— Paul Rudd

Love: the sickest of Irony’s sick jokes. The place where logic and order go to die.

— Christopher Moore

I can't stand people that don't know the difference between 'your' and 'you're.' Their so stupid...

— Anonymous

If you can't laugh at yourself, you may be missing the colossal joke of the century.

— Barry Humphries

Don't make a film if it can't be the film you want to make. It's a joke, and a sick joke, and…

— David Lynch

Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to gnaw through the leather straps.

— Emo Philips

Never joke with the press. Irony does not translate into newsprint.

— Erica Jong

A FRENCH CORPORATION: You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows.

— Anonymous

My mind is now so crowded with valuable information that I can't think.

— Nikhil Saluja

Girls: Practice makes perfect! Boys: But nobody is perfect! So, why do we need to practice?!

— Sharlene05

I started out with nothing...and I still have most of it left.

— Nikhil Saluja

All his leisure clothes were absurd - jokes, really - as though leisure itself had to be ridiculed.

— Edmund White