Jokes Quotes · Page 41

That sun is lookin' good... and hot! Get it? Hilarious! My joke writers are awesome.

— Tom Bergeron

I grew up in an environment of jokes and sarcasm and puns. I talk that way, so I write that way.

— Allan Sloan

Instagram and nightclubs are where ugly people go to trick people into thinking they're hot.

— Nikhil Saluja

If you think something's funny, go with that. Most comedians pull jokes from a place of honesty.

— Olivia Munn

They say that life is too short, I just wonder who took the measurements.

— Paballo Nhambiri

A blind man walks into a bar...and a table...and a chair.

— Anonymous

I consider myself always a humorist. And I think anybody who tells jokes or makes people laugh is humor.

— Dick Gregory

Doctor: A person who kills your disease with pills and you with bills.

— Nikhil Saluja

I used to tell myself when I was much younger that I didn't want to wake up one day and be 32…

— Frankie Knuckles

In all honesty, we don't know what's in the hearts of other men. All I know is that I respect comedy and…

— Carlos Mencia

The NFL is boring, the NBA is disintegrating, baseball is totally predictable. Maybe we do need the XFL. Maybe we need Nude…

— Nikhil Saluja

The storyboard artists job is to plan out shot for shot the whole show, write all the dialog, and decide the mood,…

— Craig McCracken

“Some women have kissed—and some are kissing—a lot of frogs, even though the very first man that they have each kissed was…

— Mokokoma Mokhonoana

I used to think it was so funny that plankton was married to his computer, but now I realized that's probably my…

— Sponge Bob

Somebody would think I was trying to get favored treatment because my ancestors had the name Moon. And that's a joke.

— Buzz Aldrin

“Because he has finally realized that it is it and not him that is loved by the woman he loves, many a…

— Mokokoma Mokhonoana

My stand-up has always been very character-based. I'm not really the kind of person that's like, 'Hey, here's what's on my mind!…

— Mary Lynn Rajskub

I was worried on a personal level because I wanted to be slightly taller than I am, ideally. But I've now accepted…

— Daniel Radcliffe

A great many people (not you) do now seem to think that the mere state of being worried is in itself meritorious.…

— C. S. Lewis

I joke that I've never been burdened by having an actual hit. There's something to that. My records have sold enough to…

— Lyle Lovett

“I wrote. I wrote all the things I couldn’t say to him. I wrote about how much I believed in us. I…

— Kimberly Novosel

Yes, we were amazed when that happened. It was a real joke to us. Konrad Lueg and I did a Happening, and…

— Gerhard Richter

I know the look of an apple that is roasting and sizzling on the hearth on a winter's evening, and I know…

— Mark Twain

I have this JPM thing: jokes per minute. I've worked out that I should get in about 12 punchlines in five minutes.…

— Frank Skinner

I may become like an Indian thatha but I won't stop making jokes.

— Vivek

The only reason Why people going to watch Titanic 3D is Because of The Painting scene…

— Pacifiersucker

Why women don't blink during foreplay... not enough time.

— Joan Rivers

I used to joke that if acting didn't work out, poetry was my commonsense fallback.

— Merritt Wever

It's not that the man did not know how to juggle, he just didn't have the balls to do it.

— Anonymous

Sure, I'm sensitive about my weight. I don't do fat jokes.

— John Candy

I see myself as a huge dork that laughs at my own jokes and forgets to shower sometimes.

— Lauren Gardner

Let face the facts A) Dogs are mans best friend B) Food is dog best friend so until you go food you…

— MrAwesome

If fate doesn't make you laugh, you just don't get the joke.

— Gregory David Roberts

I always joke around with my parents and say that if Hollywood doesn't work out I'll go to Broadway!

— Claudia Lee

Golf is my real profession. Entertainment is just a sideline. I tell jokes to pay my greens fees.

— Bob Hope

I don't mind being the brunt of a joke, so long as it's a good one.

— Joey McIntyre

Writing good jokes requires effort. Think I'll just start dressing funnier.

— Dov Davidoff

Mayorga tells a lot of jokes and stories, but he always comes up short.

— Shane Mosley

It would be a joke if the conduct of the victor had to be justified to the vanquished.

— Napoleon Bonaparte

A woman would pitch a joke. Nothing. Then a guy would pitch it and everybody would laugh.

— Wanda Sykes