Jokes Quotes · Page 48

I have a new joke today. Martha Stewart's on suicide watch. They had to unplug all of her ovens.

— Rip Taylor

I don't consider myself a comedian because I don't really concern myself too much with jokes.

— Paul Rudd

I want my tombstone to read: If this is a joke, I don't get it.

— David Brenner

I'm not freakishly short. I had, on my show, used shortness as a joke subject; it didn't really bother me.

— Dick Cavett

“Some men’s chests are more buttlike than some women’s butts.”

— Mokokoma Mokhonoana

One of my biggest problems with comedy was that I did not understand some of the jokes.

— Desi Arnaz

Bingo! I love that game, but I can't remember what to say when you win.

— Nikhil Saluja

I dont make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.

— Azgraybebly Joslan

This is for you Danny, and Hunter, and Tanner, and KC. And for all the other ppl that insist on making these…

— Rachel

I think repeating yourself is a sign of old age, telling the same joke again and again. Especially if they're jokes that…

— Simon Le Bon

Racing is bulging at the seams with pure nutball characters, men who can drink more, screw more, fight more, laugh more, joke…

— Brock Yates

The Lord's angel, Gebrail, dictated the Koran to Mohammed the Lord's Prophet. What a joke if all that holy book were only…

— Thomas Pynchon

I was raised on government cheese. As an adult, in my first marriage, my husband and I worked real hard just to…

— Roseanne Barr

I've always felt that animals are the purest spirits in the world. They don't fake or hide their feelings, and they are…

— Pink

I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine; he gets better with age. The next day, she locked…

— Anonymous

“Unbeknown to us, some of the people who we hope are missing us wherever they are do miss us; some miss someone…

— Mokokoma Mokhonoana

A lot of female comedians will go up there in a sweatshirt and Converses, trying to dress themselves down, because it is…

— Carly Craig

What are the precise characteristics of an epigram it is not easy to define. It differs from a joke, in the fact…

— William Matthews

I think those that are holier-than-thou don't make jokes. They take themselves too seriously and Peeta doesn't take himself too seriously. This…

— Josh Hutcherson

I have never been able to understand the complaint that a story is "depressing" because of its subject matter. What depresses me…

— Tobias Wolff

When I was growing up, my mother was always a friend to my siblings and me (in addition to being all the…

— Marlo Thomas

You know that old joke about the guy who lives to be 104? The punch line goes something like 'If I knew…

— Oprah Winfrey

The fact of the matter is that Buddhism has changed a lot. When St. Francis of Xavier arrived in Japan, he wrote…

— Ninian Smart

Men propound mathematical theorems in besieged cities, conduct metaphysical arguments in condemned cells, make jokes on the scaffold, discuss a new poem…

— C. S. Lewis

What do you call a man with no body and just a nose? Nobody nose.

— Anonymous

Jokes that make me laugh out loud when I write them almost always bomb. I have no idea why.

— Chris Hardwick

A difference of taste in jokes is a great strain on the affections.

— Anonymous

Gasp Reflex : The reaction of a new father when he sees the new mother's breasts.

— Nikhil Saluja

There are things that are so serious that you can only joke about them.

— Werner Heisenberg

Want to know why women don't blink during foreplay? Not enough time.

— Joan Rivers

If I ever let my head fall.. I promise , I would be simply admiring my shoes

— Mercy Pheona

I think it gets uncomfortable when you try to act like you didn't just tell a joke that bombed.

— Bill Burr

No Offense Means, I'm About To Insult You, But Dont Get Mad.

— Pacifiersucker

What do you get when you put 50 lawyers in a room with 50 lesbians? One hundred people who don't do dick.

— Kevin

Jon's mother had three kids named Penny, Nickel and __????__. You'll be amazed how many people get this wrong.

— Justin Mccloskey

For all my haters, I just want you to know that there's no medicine for insecurities so better commit suicide!

— Nikhil Saluja

“I am a kind of joke, but the question is: which kind? My job is to keep everyone guessing.”

— Gary Shteyngart

Black and Mexican jokes are all the same. Once you've heard Juan, you've heard Jamal.

— Anonymous

If I can't joke about imminent death, then I might as well just resign.

— James A. Owen

Well, crying isn't gonna bring him back, unless your tears smell like dog food.

— Nikhil Saluja