Jokes Quotes · Page 50

If I'm laughing, you know I'm either very happy or very sad. I cope with things with jokes.

— Cristela Alonzo

The roses have wilted, The violets are dead, Sugar is lumpy And so is your head.

— Anonymous

Don't Take It Seriously * When the INTERIOR DECORATOR says, Once it's in, you'll love it

— Nikhil Saluja

An apple a day keeps the doctor away, but if doctor is cute, forget the fruit.

— Anonymous

I've been invited to a Halloween party tonight in America. To scare all the Yanks, I'm going as low-fat food!

— Anonymous

When a woman agrees to give her husband head for no reason --- there is a reason.

— Nikhil Saluja

I like to write a joke without any fat on it.The shorter the better. I cater for people with ADD, basically.

— Jimmy Carr

Thou can'st not joke an enemy into a friend, but thou may'st a friend into an enemy.

— Benjamin Franklin

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a bar. The barman looks at them and says: "Is this some kind…

— Frank Carson

A Catholic priest, a Jewish rabbi, and a Muslim mullah all walk into a bar, and the bartender says: - What is…

— C. S. Lewis

I will do almost anything for the sake of a joke or for the sake of someone's real belief in something to…

— Selma Blair

I never get tired of 'It Was A Good Day' references or jokes or anything like that. It's just, you know, keeping…

— Ice Cube

I don't think I've ever died on stage. I've had jokes that died on stage. I've told a joke and absolutely nothing.…

— Billy Connolly

Good shoes - they're the ultimate finishing touch. In fact, we actually joke in my family that your shoes have to be…

— Cam Newton

What's the point of blurring out the middle finger on TV, like oh you've fooled me, what's behind that blur? Is it…

— Persia

With my boyfriend, we can make sexist jokes to each other because we know it's absolutely not true. If I get home…

— Emily Browning

I had an awful joke about Auschwitz I drove everybody crazy with that joke. But that joke makes me feel good. You…

— Chantal Akerman

“The sun tells the best joke of a day full of them, setting so spectacularly that you can almost smell the tropical…

— Tod Wodicka

It is important to remember when making jokes about women, that they are not a minority. They weren't captured on another continent…

— P. J. O'Rourke

Performance is really an important part of how I edit. I sometimes take something out because I realize I put in a…

— David Sedaris

Yeah, we've become really good friends. Our characters start dating in the book, and um, yeah, I think we - and we…

— Johnny Simmons

You hear a lot of jokes every once in a while about 'Silent Cal Coolidge.' The joke is on the people who…

— Ronald Reagan

“ ... family men, Claude." "Then why aren't they home with their families?" "You haven't been listening to me, Claude. It takes…

— Douglas Woolf

I'll come up with an idea for a character, and I'll write some jokes and make sure that that character is going…

— Jeff Dunham

A comedian is someone who tells the truth. Truth is the set of all jokes told by all comedians in the world.

— Piero Scaruffi

Why did the blonde tip-toe past the medicine cabinet? 'Cause she didn't want to wake the sleeping pills.

— Anonymous

That's it! You people have stood in my way long enough. I'm going to clown college!

— Nikhil Saluja

I don't have a twitter account. A twitter account have me.

— Nikhil Saluja

I like there to be a joke in practically every photo I take. Nobody has the right to make photography boring.

— Norman Parkinson

I'm not even really a joke-teller. I can do ad-lib and banter, but I don't do jokes.

— Bruce Forsyth

You step in with the Seth Rogens of the world, you better have some jokes.

— Charlie Hunnam

I don't consider myself a comic but a performer. A comic tells bad jokes.

— Sandra Bernhard

“Alec said you do that," said Jace. "Deflect questions about yourself with jokes.”

— Cassandra Clare

When I said You look terrific. I really meant Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit. I'm starving.

— Nikhil Saluja

Im not the voice of reason; Im more the guy using these offensive topics as fodder to raise tension in a joke.

— Anthony Jeselnik

I wanted to lose weight so I went to the paint store. I heard I could get thinner there.

— Nikhil Saluja

There is only one pretty child in the world, and every mother has it.

— Chinese Proverbs

Once you do a joke and it works it's only good for so long, like shooting fish in a barrel.

— Bill Burr

Anything traumatic in my life I've always dealt with through jokes and comedy.

— Paul Rudd

Jokes are so personal, and they bring us together in so many ways.

— Mike Birbiglia