Jokes Quotes · Page 51

Your mama is so stupid, she kept turning left to avoid the wrong turn sign

— Anonymous

The main jokes in this film are about big things, love and life and zombies - we all get that.

— Simon Pegg

Men are simple creatures. 99% of their problems can be solved with sex, sandwiches, or both.

— Nikhil Saluja

Awkward moment when you typed wrong and bring the word other meaning

— Anonymous

I use mother-in-law jokes, kid jokes, tax jokes - anything that works.

— Nipsey Russell

There are three sides to an argument, your side, my side, and the right side, which is still my side!

— Anonymous

“Death would be an extremely bad thing like most of us paint it, if being dead were painful.”

— Mokokoma Mokhonoana

The jokes that take my last name and equate them to a sex act ... is a really cruel thing to do.

— Monica Lewinsky

Many of the political jokes that circulated in the Third Reich were directed at Goering. He collected them [all] in a large…

— Richard Overy

I have a lot of glass in my house, and I remember saying as a joke once that I clean my stuff…

— Courteney Cox

The intention which is fixed on God as its only end will keep people steady in their purposes, and deliver them from…

— Thomas a Kempis

I had to keep the text pretty spare compared to what I would typically do in a picture book. My picture books…

— Laurie Keller

So I said, 'Where do you want to go for your anniversary?' She said: 'I want to go somewhere I've never been…

— Anonymous

If you don't have your experiences in the moment, if you gloss them over with jokes or zoom past them, you end…

— David Rakoff

I'm not built for war. I'm built for entertainment. I'm built for jokes - either telling them or being the butt of…

— Josh Peck

People are too lazy and too stupid to think for themselves that we've got sitcoms with canned laughter that lets you know…

— Marilyn Manson

Usually the beginning of a story that people hear a lot. For example, "My girlfriend is upset about her new haircut" or…

— Anthony Jeselnik

Whatever the joke is has to be funny, and not coming from a mean-spirited place. I think some things are totally off…

— Amy Schumer

Garry Shandling in particular - really had the concept. He really knew it, and it was done so lovingly. He would go…

— Jeffrey Tambor

So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he said 'You've been promoted.'…

— Tim Vine

I like to joke that you usually write more books before death than after death, so that's why I'm doing it. But…

— T.C. Boyle

“I never met a pig I didn't like. All pigs are intelligent, emotional, and sensitive souls. They all love company. They all…

— Sy Montgomery

How do you know you told a good punch line, a good joke? It's because they laugh. How do you know you've…

— Katie Holmes

Almost no one as I think most leadership books are a joke. They are, as I note in Leadership BS, frequently based…

— Jeffrey Pfeffer

You can make a movie that's more focused on the jokes, but Young Adult was not that kind of movie.

— Kristen Stewart

A person reveals his character by nothing so clearly as the joke he resents.

— Georg C. Lichtenberg

The whole westward expansion myth is seen as romantic. But its a joke, a blot on American history.

— Frank Waters

In the whole of the New Testament there is not one joke, that fact alone would invalidate any book.

— Friedrich Nietzsche

There is no such thing as too much fun. People need to know it is O.K. to tell jokes and be happy.

— Drew Carey

I once made love to a female clown, and she twisted my penis into a poodle.

— Dan Whitney

This is a wonderful joke to play upon a prisoner, to promise forgiveness.

— Anonymous

My best tweets are when someone take them personnel & instantly unfollow me.

— Nikhil Saluja

Job interview: Please tell us why youd love to work for us? ME: I need money :)

— Punkinhead Abhishek

“You need to be greedy or ignorant to truly want to live forever.”

— Mokokoma Mokhonoana

I been listening to Rick Ross and all the guy raps about is cars he can't even fit in.. WTF

— Kevin McCarty

“One of the leading causes of obesity is the misbelief that, when it comes to juice, ‘100%’ means ‘sugar-free.”

— Mokokoma Mokhonoana

[The people that worked on The Simpsons] just had good taste. They knew how to execute absurd jokes.

— Eric Andre

Hey everybody on Twitter, I think we can cool it with all the jokes.

— Nikhil Saluja

Who ever invented the Knock- Knock jokes should get a No-bell prize!

— Anonymous

I believe we should all pay our tax with a smile. I tried...but they wanted cash.

— Anonymous