Let me ask you a question. How long is too long to text someone back? My wife still thinks I died in 9/11. — Frankie Boyle Copy Share Image
The thing I don't get about paedophilia... Why the hell do kids find old men in dirty raincoats so sexy? — Frankie Boyle Copy Share Image
Why is it that it's okay to call a white person "mate" yet it's not okay to call a black guy "primate"? — Frankie Boyle Copy Share Image
I don't know how long i could be a vet before i got bored and started shagging stuff. — Frankie Boyle Copy Share Image
When I went to school, sex education was mainly muttered warnings about the janitor. — Frankie Boyle Copy Share Image
Congratulations you're 18!... On a list of 20 people I'm going to kill. — Frankie Boyle Copy Share Image
Now, the magic of British parks at night, as Bill Oddie presents.. Gaywatch. — Frankie Boyle Copy Share Image
I always wondered about that woman who had that face transplant. If you went to bed with her, would that technically count… — Frankie Boyle Copy Share Image
I like storms. I like thunder and lightning. What I do during a storm is shag my girlfriend and pretend that we're… — Frankie Boyle Copy Share Image
They're always going, don't deal with terrorists. Let's deal with them. What's Allah offering you boys, 100 virgins? We'll give you 50 slags. — Frankie Boyle Copy Share Image
Don't you think its quite weird for Prince Harry, getting really stoned and seeing your grans face appearing on your money. — Frankie Boyle Copy Share Image
People who think there's no good way to die have obviously never heard the phrase 'Drug-fuelled-sex-heart-attack'. — Frankie Boyle Copy Share Image
My dad is one of the funniest people I know. He's the sort of man who can make you laugh just by… — Frankie Boyle Copy Share Image
Apparently they're going to bring in 'Super Asbos'. But 'Asbos' already sound too cool. Teenagers see them as a badge of honour.… — Frankie Boyle Copy Share Image
RyanAir have been getting a hard time because they've launched a £7 flight to New York. Although as always with RyanAir it… — Frankie Boyle Copy Share Image
A 66-YEAR-OLD woman has become the oldest new mum in Britain after giving birth to a baby boy. I'm amazed she needed… — Frankie Boyle Copy Share Image
Doug Stanhope is great - I saw his 'Burning the Bridge to Nowhere' show and it was inspiring. He's like an anti-shaman,… — Frankie Boyle Copy Share Image
The government are considering spending £3million on a state funeral for Margaret Thatcher when she dies. For £3million they could buy everyone… — Frankie Boyle Copy Share Image
It seems amazing that the Navy SEALs managed to get inside the compound and shoot Osama so efficiently. I can only imagine… — Frankie Boyle Copy Share Image
Scientists have just built the world's biggest supercollider, and they're doing experiments to see what makes up protons. I hope that if… — Frankie Boyle Copy Share Image
What was wrong with train toilet doors that just locked, instead of this multiple choice system? If anything goes wrong, you'll be… — Frankie Boyle Copy Share Image
They've bought out a condom now for people with premature ejaculation and they've put an anesthetic in the lining that makes you… — Frankie Boyle Copy Share Image
The only award I've been nominated for is a Scottish BAFTA. A Scottish BAFTA, it's like hearing that the animals have their… — Frankie Boyle Copy Share Image
The East End of Glasgow is like the Olympics. Lots of foriegners in tracksuits struggling to speak English. — Frankie Boyle Copy Share Image
Nobody thought Mel Gibson could play a Scot, but look at him now! Alcoholic and a racist! — Frankie Boyle Copy Share Image
I gave my girlfriend something she didn't expect for Valentine's day... Chlamydia. — Frankie Boyle Copy Share Image
I live in a flat with 3 women, I call it surround sound. I keep the ugly one behind the sofa as… — Frankie Boyle Copy Share Image
“Welcome to Glasgow - the city where we punch people who are on fire.” — Frankie Boyle Copy Share Image
Does anyone find it ironic how a program aimed at old people is called 'Countdown'? — Frankie Boyle Copy Share Image
As the plane lands in Glasgow airport, passengers are reminded to set their watch back, 25 years. — Frankie Boyle Copy Share Image
For 3 million you could give everyone in Scotland a shovel, and we could dig a hole so deep we could hand… — Frankie Boyle Copy Share Image
On the most Scottish thing he'd ever seen: I was going through a town called Bathgate at around 11 o'clock at night.… — Frankie Boyle Copy Share Image
It's good they're holding the Olympics in the East End of London. Means the athletes will have to use extra skill to… — Frankie Boyle Copy Share Image
I can't help thinking the failed New York bomber would've done far more damage if he'd simply driven throught Times Square in… — Frankie Boyle Copy Share Image
Do you think George Bush actually knows who Gordon Brown is? He probably just thinks Tony Blair's put on weight and had… — Frankie Boyle Copy Share Image
I guess we were kinda poor when we were kids, but we didn't know it. That's because my dad always refused to… — Frankie Boyle Copy Share Image
I did Scottish footballer of the year this year, attempted to do some comedy at that. Not the brightest people in the… — Frankie Boyle Copy Share Image
I did a ski festival in Austria once. I was struck by how friendly Austrians were, before gradually realising it's more that Glaswegians are… — Frankie Boyle Copy Share
Your ruling class don't care about what happens to you. What seems like some enormous upset in your community is undetectable from a helicopter… — Frankie Boyle Copy Share
Remember, taboos are just a map of what a society feels it's acceptable to be neurotic about. Taboos aren't rational. — Frankie Boyle Copy Share
For 3 Million you could give everyone in Scotland a shovel, and we could dig a hole so deep we could hand her over… — Frankie Boyle Copy Share
Scientists have just built the world's biggest supercollider, and they're doing experiments to see what makes up protons. I hope that if the experiment's… — Frankie Boyle Copy Share
When I went to school, sex education was mainly muttered warnings about the janitor. — Frankie Boyle Copy Share
If you feel more emotion looking at a picture of queuing lorries than a picture of desperate humans living in a lay-by, you need… — Frankie Boyle Copy Share
People who think there's no good way to die have obviously never heard the phrase 'Drug-fuelled-sex-heart-attack'. — Frankie Boyle Copy Share
I feel sorry for Obama because he's still got to fight the innate racism of Americans. I mean, did you see his first speech,… — Frankie Boyle Copy Share
In a lot of farther-flung places in Scotland people are guarded at first, but as soon as they get to know you they really… — Frankie Boyle Copy Share
Trump's one liberal policy seems to be his desire to pump more funding into mental health - which I've taken the liberty of interpreting… — Frankie Boyle Copy Share
We fear the arrival of immigrants that we have drawn here with the wealth we stole from them. For much of the rest of… — Frankie Boyle Copy Share
