When they were naming the animals, somebody got lazy: anteater? What's it doing? It's eating ants. DONE! — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I think it would be frustrating to be a match maker. "What do you do?" "I'm a match maker" "Aw, that's really… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I have an erratic drummer for anybody who's just listening to this, he can keep time, but just in spurts. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I went into a clothing store, and the lady asked me what size I was. I said, 'Actual'. I'm not to scale. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I was walking in the park and this guy waved at me. Then he said, 'I'm sorry, I thought you were someone… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I hate seeing people that look like you. Especially if God's living by the motto 'If at first you don't succeed.' — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
Whenever I see an autobiography for sale in the book store i just flip to the about the author section. I'm like,… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I keep a lighter in my back pocket all the time. I'm not a smoker, I just really like certain songs. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
When someone asks you the question 'Are you ticklish' it doesn't matter if you say yes or no, cause they're going to… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I was stuck in traffic and I looked in the mirror and in the car behind me there was a couple having… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
Sometimes I feel like I'm making a connection with a stranger, but then it turns out I'm not. Like, I was in… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I like birthdays because we celebrate life with cakes. It's so cool. Sometimes when I see a baby, I'm like that much… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I was seeing this girl and she wanted to get more serious. But I wasn't ready to, I had just gotten out… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I've heard of many chocoholics, but I ain't never seen no "chocohol". We got an epidemic, people: people who like chocolate but… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I'm in a weird position, because I like rainbows, but I'm not gay. So whenever I go out wearing a rainbow shirt,… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I saw a door that said exit only. So I entered through it and went up to the guy working there and… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I was watching MTV and there were girls dancing in suspended cages. That would be an ambivalent situation: "I'm trapped! ...but enjoying… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
Here is a tip for all you young people drinking wine. With pasta, drink white wine. With steak, drink red wine. And… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
The comedians I liked were Bill Cosby and Steven Wright, like just always as a comedic actor. I always liked Gary Larson,… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I set a personal record on Christmas. I got my shopping done three weeks ahead of time. I had all the presents… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I was making pancakes the other day and a fly flew into the kitchen. And that's when I realized that a spatula… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
'Sort of' is such a harmless thing to say... sort of. It's just a filler. Sort of... it doesn't really mean anything.… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
If you want to make a mythical creature, just take a regular animal and add wings to it. A horse becomes a… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I think hair gel was invented to make it easier to identify assholes from a distance. — Demetri Martin Copy Share
When someone describes themself as a taxpayer, they're about to be an asshole. — Demetri Martin Copy Share
I like to go to concerts because I love to see my favorite band through the phone of the asshole who's standing in front… — Demetri Martin Copy Share
Skiing is my favorite sport, because, that's the only sport that is actually better to watch the worst the person is at it. "That… — Demetri Martin Copy Share
I know about Woodstock probably as much as your average person who is over 30, where I'd know Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin, Grateful Dead. — Demetri Martin Copy Share
I bought a cactus. A week later it died. And I got depressed, because I thought, Damn. I am less nurturing than a desert. — Demetri Martin Copy Share
THING TO TRY: If you are asked to describe a suspect to a police sketch artist, describe in precise detail, the features of the… — Demetri Martin Copy Share
If you happen to catch on fire during the show, do not panic or wave your arms around or scream or we wil give… — Demetri Martin Copy Share
They say that structure is freedom, and in a sense it is. When you're dealing with multiple constraints, you have to figure out what… — Demetri Martin Copy Share
I think my favorite sound is the sound of someone not playing the bongos. — Demetri Martin Copy Share
