Women are constantly patting themselves on the back on how difficult their lives are and no one corrects em, cuz they wanna… — Bill Burr Copy Share Image
My favorite kind of humor is basically, if it was happening to you, it wouldn't be funny, but to observe it, it's… — Bill Burr Copy Share Image
Your twenties is all about taking your childhood out on everyone that you run into. — Bill Burr Copy Share Image
I love my dog. I hate bankers. I have issues with women. In my head, I’m a great guy. — Bill Burr Copy Share Image
What would you rather be? 52 and look 52, or 52 and look like a 28-year-old lizard? — Bill Burr Copy Share Image
If you try to deliver a funny line in a funny way, it comes out as wacky and you ruin the scene. — Bill Burr Copy Share Image
I've never wanted to kill myself over anything major. It's always the little things that do me in. — Bill Burr Copy Share Image
There's no "brothers" when it comes to white people. We are just complete individuals. We don't care about each other. He's not… — Bill Burr Copy Share Image
You know, it wasn't even that I'm a funny guy, I just loved stand-up comedy and I wanted to do it. It… — Bill Burr Copy Share Image
I still remember the first gig where I got people going, it was Rascals in New Jersey, and the place was packed.… — Bill Burr Copy Share Image
The only time I get sick of making people laugh is when I'm in a non-writing-joke mode, and I just can't seem… — Bill Burr Copy Share Image
To me this is not yelling. I am not yelling. I'm just passionate about my opinions and I want to tell you… — Bill Burr Copy Share Image
Seriously, any other town you go to there's this little devil and a little angel on your shoulder. A little good advice,… — Bill Burr Copy Share Image
My neighbor's not even listening to me. He's all excited about some garden hose he bought at Brookstone. He's convinced it was… — Bill Burr Copy Share Image
You're a kid, your whole life is awesome. It's awesome, right? You had no money, no ID, no cell phone, no nothing,… — Bill Burr Copy Share Image
I love making movies, and being in any that I can be in. I'd like to be in those giant movies, as the fifth… — Bill Burr Copy Share
I'm always looking at new ways to tell a joke so that it doesn't get stale while working on new jokes every night or… — Bill Burr Copy Share
I love doing radio, and I love doing stand-up, obviously. I'm good flying up to four hours, but anything past that, I want to… — Bill Burr Copy Share
It was right after 9/11 and I decided to walk around the grounds of the Pentagon, because I had never been there. Out of… — Bill Burr Copy Share
Business runs hot and cold so the more you're in charge of your own destiny, the better off you are. — Bill Burr Copy Share
You know, it wasn't even that I'm a funny guy, I just loved stand-up comedy and I wanted to do it. It was one… — Bill Burr Copy Share
I am so pro-swine flu...I want it. We need a plague. It's got to happen; don't be afraid. It's only going to kill the… — Bill Burr Copy Share
I wish they would teach it in schools: Give people the belief that they are going to do well. A lot of people are… — Bill Burr Copy Share
Look how long it took to build the Freedom Tower, and we wanted that. It took 15 years. — Bill Burr Copy Share
For aspiring comedians? Don't listen to me. Just go on stage and do what you think is funny. — Bill Burr Copy Share
It's a great time to be a comedian because you've got so much more control. You can say what you want to. I think… — Bill Burr Copy Share
People make a big deal about podcasts but it's basically an online radio show with the sound effects and sidekicks, but because you can… — Bill Burr Copy Share
You wanna know how you know you're informed as a protestor? They don't show your interview on TV. — Bill Burr Copy Share
