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Out Quotes by Steven Wright
- For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
- I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out.
- Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.
- Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?
- I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.
- My neighbor has a circular driveway... he can't get out.
- I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window.
- I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed-reading accident. I hit a bookmark.
- I don't get up, get dressed, go out, and think, 'Okay, I gotta find eight jokes.'
- My doctor told me I shouldn't work out until I'm in better shape. I told him, 'All right; don't send me a bill until I…
- I've always had to conquer fear when I'm on stage. Basically, I was and still am a very shy person. It's absolutely in conflict with…
- Comedians are sociologists. We're pointing out stuff that the general public doesn't even stop to think about, looking at life in slow-motion and questioning everything…
- George Carlin's album, 'Class Clown,' came out when I was in high school. I memorized a lot of that album. I'd come home from school,…
- I'm used to seeing it, but it's weird having an Academy Award. You usually only see one of them on the TV show when they…
- It's very intense to be in front of a live audience. It's just an amazing experience. It's dangerous. Everything out there is heightened. The bad…
- You know those things that you throw the twigs into and it spits them out? That's what I do. The branches are like life, and…
- Last night somebody broke into my apartment and replaced everything with exact duplicates... When I pointed it out to my roommate, he said, "Do I…
- Yesterday, my eyeglass prescription ran out.
- When I was a fetus, I used to sneak out at night when my mother was sleeping. I figured I should start stealing stuff while…
- I once locked my keys out of my car. I had to break out of my car with a coat hanger.
More Out Quotes
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