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Grabbed Quotes by Jack Handey
1 Grabbed quote by Jack Handey
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Jack Handey has 402 quotes on this site. A few more worth reading:
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If any man says he hates war more than I do, he better have a knife, that's all I have to say.
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I hope that after I die, people will say of me: 'That guy sure owed me a lot of money.'
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People think it would be fun to be a bird because you could fly. But they forget the negative side, which is…
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The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.
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I guess of all my uncles, I liked Uncle Caveman the best. We called him Uncle Caveman because he lived in a…
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If I could be a bird, I'd be a Flying Purple People Eater, because then people would sing about me and I…
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Is there anything more beautiful than a beautiful, beautiful flamingo, flying across in front of a beautiful sunset? And he's carrying a…
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What is it about a beautiful sunny afternoon, with the birds singing and the wind rustling through the leaves, that makes you…
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Not screaming in terror like his passengers.
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Somebody told me it was frightening how much topsoil we are losing each year, but I told that story around the campfire…
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MEMORIES OF MY FAMILY MEETINGS still are a source of strength to me. I remember we'd all get into the car -…
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I BET WHEN NEANDERTHAL KIDS would make a snowman, someone would always end up saying, "Don't forget the thick heavy brows." Then…
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I was in preschool and a girl actually kissed me on the cheek. I didn't know what to do. I didn't know…
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I've had just about everything punched. I've had things grabbed that just shouldn't be grapped.
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In general I was a good kid. It usually took a lot to make me mad. But once I reached the boiling…
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I grabbed it and squeezed it back into place. It gave a little crunch and popped right in.
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I grabbed 19 rebounds in my first professional game, and somehow found a way to score 20 points. I felt real good…
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"Patience, grasshopper," I counseled. "You don't want to seem overeager." "Right, that's why I said tomorrow," he said. "I want to see…
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I would do it [study UFOs], but before agreeing to do it, we must insist upon full access to discs recovered. For…
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I grabbed a pile of dust, and holding it up, foolishly asked for as many birthdays as the grains of dust, I…
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Even when there's not a joke or a hook, the first line has to be good and snapem to attention. Songs ain't…
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Anyway, I lived on the streets and did pretty good until I got caught stealing, what was it? I kicked in a…
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When I was 9 or 10 years old, my dad took me over to a neighboring farm to help get stuff for…
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I saw a guy being really abusive to his girlfriend. She was asking people to help, but no one would. When he…
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