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Jack Handey has 402 quotes on this site. A few more worth reading:

• If any man says he hates war more than I do, he better have a knife, that's all I have to say.
• I hope that after I die, people will say of me: 'That guy sure owed me a lot of money.'
• People think it would be fun to be a bird because you could fly. But they forget the negative side, which is…
• The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.
• I guess of all my uncles, I liked Uncle Caveman the best. We called him Uncle Caveman because he lived in a…
• If I could be a bird, I'd be a Flying Purple People Eater, because then people would sing about me and I…
• Is there anything more beautiful than a beautiful, beautiful flamingo, flying across in front of a beautiful sunset? And he's carrying a…
• What is it about a beautiful sunny afternoon, with the birds singing and the wind rustling through the leaves, that makes you…
• Not screaming in terror like his passengers.
• Somebody told me it was frightening how much topsoil we are losing each year, but I told that story around the campfire…
• MEMORIES OF MY FAMILY MEETINGS still are a source of strength to me. I remember we'd all get into the car -…
• I BET WHEN NEANDERTHAL KIDS would make a snowman, someone would always end up saying, "Don't forget the thick heavy brows." Then…

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