Steven Wright

I washed mud off of mud.

— Steven Wright

I have a map of the United States... Actual size. It says, 'Scale: 1 mile = 1 mile.' I spent last summer…

— Steven Wright

I was in the supermarket the other day, and I met a lady in the aisle where they keep the generic brands.…

— Steven Wright

I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, "Got any…

— Steven Wright

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

— Steven Wright

If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses.

— Steven Wright

The other night I came home late, and tried to unlock my house with my car keys. I started the house up.…

— Steven Wright

Imagine how weird phones would look if your mouth was nowhere near your ears.

— Steven Wright

I like to fill my tub up with water, then turn the shower on and act like I'm in a submarine that's…

— Steven Wright

“The sign said "eight items or less". So I changed my name to Les.”

— Steven Wright

I went to a 7-11 and asked for a 2x4 and a box of 3x5's. The clerk said, "ten-four."

— Steven Wright

When I was in boy scouts, I slipped on the ice and hurt my ankle. A little old lady had to help…

— Steven Wright

I was hitchhiking the other day and a hearse stopped. I said, 'No thanks, I'm not going that far.

— Steven Wright

“I'm writing a book. I'm almost finished. I numbered the pages. Now all I have to do is fill them in.”

— Steven Wright

I wish, when I was first born, the first thing I said was "Quote" so the last thing I said before I…

— Steven Wright

At one point he decided enough was enough.

— Steven Wright

I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one – it wasn’t doing what I was doing.

— Steven Wright

Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a suitcase?

— Steven Wright

A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture. You don't have to go. You'll just be walking down the street and .…

— Steven Wright

I have a large sea shell collection which I keep scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you've seen it.

— Steven Wright

How can there be self-help groups?

— Steven Wright

My mother is from another time - the funniest person to her is Lucille Ball; that's what she loves. A lot of…

— Steven Wright

I have a paper cut from writing my suicide note. It's a start.

— Steven Wright

I changed my headlights the other day. I put in strobe lights instead! Now when I drive at night, it looks like…

— Steven Wright

I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy.

— Steven Wright