All Jerry Seinfeld Quotes
- If aliens are watching us through telescopes, they're going to think the dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms,… Aliens
- We want to do a lot of stuff; we're not in great shape. We didn't get a good night's sleep. We're a little depressed. Coffee… All
- I love how you just make coffee and then somehow something gets done. Coffee
- I have no plants in my house. They won't live for me. Some of them don't even wait to die, they commit suicide. Commit
- It's like having... you know, your phone has a charger, right? It's like having a charger for your whole body and mind. That's what Transcendental… Body
- Maybe if we lie down our brains will work. Brain
- Why is commitment such a big problem for a man? I think that for some reason when a man is driving down that freeway of… Big
- Why would anybody want a friend? Anybody
- It reminds me of like this pathetic friend that everybody had when they were a little kid who would let you borrow any of his… Any
- Responsible, who wants to be responsible? Whenever something bad happens, it's always, who's responsible for this? Bad
- Not that there's anything wrong with that. Anything Wrong
- Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women: a little bit of support, and a little bit of freedom. Bit
- I didn't know every day I would be discussing the tone of my voice with my wife. I thought it was a marriage. Apparently, it's… Apparently
- Well, birthdays are merely symbolic of how another year has gone by and how little we've grown. No matter how desperate we are that someday… Another Year
- Seems to me the basic conflict between men and women, sexually, is that men are like firemen. To men, sex is an emergency, and no… Basic
- People don't think of their office as a workplace anymore. They think of it as a stationary store with Danish. You want to get your… Anymore
- After you get a job and before you have to do it. Nothing beats that. Beats
- I will never understand why they cook on TV. I can't smell it. Can't eat it. Can't taste it. The end of the show they… Any
- You can measure distance by time. 'How far away is it?' 'Oh about 20 minutes.' But it doesn't work the other way. 'When do you… Distance
- These pretzels are making me thirsty! Inspirational
- What the hell, I'll just eat some trash. Eat
- Did you know that the original title for War and Peace was War, What Is It Good For? Good
- Sex, that’s meaningless, I can understand that, but dinner; that’s heavy. That’s like an hour. Dinner
- The worst thing about television is that everybody you see on television is doing something better than what you're doing. You never see anybody on… All
- Wise is what you want to be. Smart is easy compared to wise. Compared