You've got to realize that when all goes well, and everything is beautiful, you have no comedy. It's when somebody steps on… — Phyllis Diller Copy Share Image
We named all our children Kid. Well, they have different first names, like Hey Kid, You Kid, Dumb Kid . . . — Phyllis Diller Copy Share Image
The last thing I'd learn, well into my career, was how to get on, how to say hello, how to get in… — Phyllis Diller Copy Share Image
When you play spin the bottle, if they don't want to kiss you they have to give you a quarter. Well, hell,… — Phyllis Diller Copy Share Image
Would you believe that I once entered a beauty contest? I must have been out of my mind. I not only came… — Phyllis Diller Copy Share Image
How do you know they're growing up? Well, the bite marks are higher. — Phyllis Diller Copy Share Image
Everybody knows how lazy he is. One day the neighbors saw Fang mow the lawn and I got three Get Well cards. — Phyllis Diller Copy Share Image
My mother-in-law must be the probation officer I got for the crime I committed of marrying my husband. — Phyllis Diller Copy Share Image
I don't know how you feel about old age... but in my case I didn't even see it coming. It hit me from the… — Phyllis Diller Copy Share Image
If it weren't for baseball, many kids wouldn't know what a millionaire looked like. — Phyllis Diller Copy Share Image
I'm the only woman who can walk in Central Park at night... and reduce the crime rate. — Phyllis Diller Copy Share Image
I was the world's ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody. — Phyllis Diller Copy Share Image
By far the most common craving of pregnant women is not to be pregnant. — Phyllis Diller Copy Share Image
Women want men, careers, money, children, friends, luxury, comfort, independence, freedom, respect, love, and a three-dollar pantyhose that won't run. — Phyllis Diller Copy Share Image
I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away. — Phyllis Diller Copy Share Image
The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public. — Phyllis Diller Copy Share Image
