I got a vibrator that needed two nine volt batteries. What am I - R2D2? I don't know what to do with… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
It became clear when I got in my car that Persians are only really good for two things. Oil and hummus. — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
I have more respect for somebody who's like, 'Yeah I like to party, so screw off,' then for Tara , who talks… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
I think when I envisioned my documentaries, what I wanted to do when I left, I had no business doing those documentaries.… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
My theory about Taylor Swift is that she's a virgin, that everyone breaks up with her because they date her for two… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
Britney Spears' album Blackout is one of the hottest-selling CDs in the country. We're in a bad place, people: The world is… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
There are two kinds of people I don't trust: people who don't drink and people who collect stickers. — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
I think the people I talk about are generally so stupid that they don't even know I'm saying bad things about them. I've run… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
At some point during almost every romantic comedy, the female lead suddenly trips and falls, stumbling helplessly over something ridiculous like a leaf, and… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
A federal grand jury is investigating allegations that David Copperfield raped, assaulted and threatened a woman he took to his private island in the… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
It's been my experience that people who make proclamations about themselves are usually the opposite of what they claim to be. If someone is… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
“My mother agreed to aid my abuse of alcohol but only if I promised never to tell my newly converted Mormon sister, whose identity… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
I try to not overthink anything. I don't understand why nipples are nudity. Who cares? Men can show their nipples but if we have… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
Seeing your mother naked is not something you easily recover from. Seeing your mother naked and jumping from one side of a king-sized bed… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
I don't like the word 'alcoholic'. I like to think of myself as an advanced drinker. — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
I can remember my first one-night stand like it was yesterday. Well, maybe not the first. Or the second¦ or the fifth. Ill just… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
“It was quite obvious that without severe behavior modification, this boy would grow up to be a serial killer.” — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
Why he would agree to install an eight-by-eight-foot fish tank and then not fill it with a single dolphin made me want to burn… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
