“The future seems so crowded to me. All I see is me, me, me, me, me and a million other clones of… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Why do old people drive slow? They have the least amount of time left on earth, so you’d think they’d drive the… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I put a saddle on my salad, and I rode my horseradish to Rhode Island, where I was just in time to… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The moment I laid eyes on her I knew she was somebody else, somebody I could love. And since somebody else never… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I discovered a time capsule from WWII disguised as a bomb. I’m going to open it with my screwdriver-like teeth.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I hate the smell of success, because most of the time it smells like sweat. Maybe that’s why I’m poor, because every… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The president spends most of his time playing golf and vacationing. But the times he’s away from the office are the times… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The only time I like traffic lights turning yellow or red is in the fall.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“We were wearing diapers at the same time. We didn’t grow up together, however. I was in the crib, and she was… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I was hot so I gave myself a haircut. I then saw a bald man sweating, so I offered to tweeze his… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My future, it almost looks like Christmas—red and green—stop and go.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick is used to label a missed shot in basketball. However, a better term to call a missed shot, or any… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I don’t call watches watches, I call them grasps, because one, they grasp onto your wrist, and two, time isn’t something you… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If I had a dollar for every time someone told me I reminded them of Orafoura’s shadow, I’d have a penny more… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I used to spend a lot of time in lap pools. Growing up I was on a few swim teams. In Florida… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If I asked God to see into the future 50 years, and I couldn’t see myself, I wouldn’t assume I was dead.… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“It’s not you, it’s me.” This line could signify rejection, or it could be something I say in the future, when I’m… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to show you how to live a richer, fuller, more satisfying life. Don’t you want to have… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Love is as old as time, though it is considerably more difficult to stuff inside a watch.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I haven’t spent my time trying to duplicate my success. But only because I haven’t had any yet.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I let go of her memory the moment I let go of her hand. She fell over 500 feet to her death.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I notice when you’re gone. Or do I? How can I observe something that isn’t there?” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used to make sweet, sweet music with the love of your life. Hopefully that person is me, because I’ve been… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to slow down time. Sort of like a camel in a wheelchair pushed by a thirsty Arab. Hey, Khalid,… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“We have a love so pure that it makes snow seem yellow. (Don’t eat it!)” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I hid Mrs. Frozenwater’s body in the ice cube trays in my freezer. Better to keep her there than let her memory thaw out… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Two similar words might lead to two similar ideas. They might also lead to the basement, which I recently converted into a dungeon/torture chamber.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Nothing is and isn’t; nothing is and isn’t—nothing itself is, and at the same time, nothing isn’t.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“There’s only one piece of clothing I could eat fast, and that’s a scarf.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Dora J. Arod is to Jarod Ora, as yes is to yes. Yes is also the correct answer to “Will you marry me?” Other… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The best part about being kidnapped is being blindfolded and getting kicked into the trunk of a car. Boy, normally I have to beg… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
