To get a roaster clean, send something like baked apples in it to a neighbor. Neighbors always return pans spotless, and you won't have to use a blow torch on it like you usually do. — Phyllis Diller Copy Share Image
Everybody knows how lazy he is. One day the neighbors saw Fang mow the lawn and I got three Get Well cards. — Phyllis Diller Copy Share Image
My mother-in-law must be the probation officer I got for the crime I committed of marrying my husband. — Phyllis Diller Copy Share Image
I don't know how you feel about old age... but in my case I didn't even see it coming. It hit me from the… — Phyllis Diller Copy Share Image
If it weren't for baseball, many kids wouldn't know what a millionaire looked like. — Phyllis Diller Copy Share Image
I'm the only woman who can walk in Central Park at night... and reduce the crime rate. — Phyllis Diller Copy Share Image
I was the world's ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody. — Phyllis Diller Copy Share Image
By far the most common craving of pregnant women is not to be pregnant. — Phyllis Diller Copy Share Image
Women want men, careers, money, children, friends, luxury, comfort, independence, freedom, respect, love, and a three-dollar pantyhose that won't run. — Phyllis Diller Copy Share Image
I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away. — Phyllis Diller Copy Share Image
The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public. — Phyllis Diller Copy Share Image
