I love being divorced. Every year has been better than the last. By the way, I'm not saying don't get married. If… — Louis C. K Copy Share Image
When my kids were younger, I used to avoid them. I used to sit on the toilet 'til my legs fell asleep.… — Louis C. K Copy Share Image
There's nowhere I won't go. As long as it's horribly, horribly true and/or wrong. — Louis C. K Copy Share Image
Bill Gates has 90 billion dollars ... If I had 90 billion dollars, I wouldn't have it for long because I would… — Louis C. K Copy Share Image
Every year white people add 100 years to how long ago slavery was. I've heard educated white people say, 'slavery was 400… — Louis C. K Copy Share Image
If I found myself alone on planet Earth, no other humans, I would have sex with a monkey in like two minutes.… — Louis C. K Copy Share Image
A lot of TV is put together by teams, by writing staffs and several different directors. It's a great, very smart way… — Louis C. K Copy Share Image
Technically, I've learned that having good legs and wind is good for being on stage. You have to be in shape and have endurance. — Louis C. K Copy Share Image
I think I'm past any window where I'm suddenly going to become surprisingly ripped so that people go, 'Oh, my God, what happened to… — Louis C. K Copy Share Image
I can feel how an audience is reacting when I'm on a stage, but when you are on stage, your perception is distorted. That's… — Louis C. K Copy Share Image
“You need to develop the ability to just be yourself and not be doing something, that's what the phones are taking away. The ability… — Louis C. K Copy Share Image
I know what it's like to have a bunch of material that's working that you don't care about. You want to die. — Louis C. K Copy Share Image
I just love learning. I think learning is how you live. The verb of my life is learning. — Louis C. K Copy Share Image
There's been a lot of simple vilification of right-wing people. It's really easy to say, 'Well, you're Christian, you're anti-this and that, and I… — Louis C. K Copy Share Image
“A woman saying yes to a date with a man is literally insane and ill-advised, and the whole species' existence counts on them doing… — Louis C. K Copy Share Image
When your kid is being selfish or greedy and you want to help them not be that way, you have to find a way… — Louis C. K Copy Share Image
You have to be really tenacious. You have to keep at it. There are many roads to get there. If you can get yourself… — Louis C. K Copy Share Image
I'd love to have a shitty job. I couldn't hold any down. Standup was the only thing I could stick with. I'm an idiot… — Louis C. K Copy Share Image
