Don't be bitter. Everybody suffers. If you can accept your suffering then you will understand other people better. Be grateful for pain.… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
I'm livin' high on the hog, and let me tell you, hogs make a terrible foundation. — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
Take it from me, there's nothing like a job well done. Except the quiet enveloping darkness at the bottom of a bottle… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
It's clear that when we're this outnumbered by the creatures, we have to take a page from the British Empire and rule… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
The cost of living keeps going up, although death is surprisingly affordable. — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
A press that has validity is a press that has authority. And as soon as there's any authority to what the press… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
Ignorance is bliss-Oedipus ruined a great sex life by asking too many questions. — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
And we didn't have cell phones. If you made plans to meet someone in a snow storm, and they didn't show up,… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
Life is chaotic and unpredictable. If a butterfly flaps its wings in one part of the world, it could cause people at… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
Life is an improvisation. You have no idea what's going to happen next and you are mostly just making things up as… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
NASA scientists have discovered a new form of life, unfortunately, it won't date them either. — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
People would say, "Oh, you say you just do jokes." I don't just do jokes. I do jokes. Jokes are important. They… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
And my daughter said, 'Why are you yelling at us?' and I said, 'I'm trying to discipline you!' And then she looked… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
And when those bombs went off, there were runners who, after finishing a marathon, kept running for another two miles to the… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
I imagined myself living in New York in some sort of open, large but sparse studio apartment with a lot of blond… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
Don't be bitter. Everybody suffers. If you can accept your suffering then you will understand other people better. Be grateful for pain. Love life. — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
Cynicism masquerades as wisdom, but it is the farthest thing from it. Because cynics don’t learn anything. Because cynicism is a self-imposed blindness, a… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
We all deserve credit for this new surveillance state that we live in because we the people voted for the Patriot Act. Democrats and… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
I've long been against illegal aliens, partly because they distract us from an even bigger threat: real aliens. — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
Believe in me, cause I don't believe in anything, and I wanna be someone to believe. — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
It's August, which means Congress is on recess and Mitch McConnell has shimmied back into the ocean to seek a mate. — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
Try to love others and serve others and hopefully find those who love and serve you in return. — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
Thirty seconds is the exact amount of time Americans can tolerate something they don't understand. — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
I used to make up stuff in my bio all the time, that I used to be a professional ice-skater and stuff like that.… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
I live by syllogisms: God is love. Love is blind. Stevie Wonder is blind. Therefore, Stevie Wonder is God. I don't know what I'd… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
“Unlike Paul Newman, who seems to think that salad dressing is the cure-all for America's ills, I'm a man of action.” — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
Now, for my younger viewers out there, a book is something we used to have before the internet. It’s sort of a blog for… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
