I can really find something interesting about almost anyone I talk to. — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
I'd forgotten what an honest sandwich it is. For those of you not familiar, 'BLT' stands for 'bacon, lettuce, and tomato.' A… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
I have two last pieces of advice. First, being pre-approved for a credit card does not mean you have to apply for… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
The trouble with the jokes is that once they're written, I know how they're supposed to work, and all I can do… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
They think I'm silly. I do silly things. I fall down and run into things. I talk to inanimate objects. I'll hold… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
With Late Night Show I can begin the search for the real Stephen Colbert.I just hope I don't find him on Ashley… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
There's nothing more I love than McDonald's dollar menu. With just the change I find between my couch cushions, I can eat… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
I'm not a standup. I didn't start off as a writer, I learned to write through improvisation, and so that's the part… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
I can't be gay! I'm a happily married conservative, just like Ted Haggard and Larry Craig. — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
All I can do is today and tomorrow and have some idea of what we're doing next week. That's all I can… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
If I'm doing a talk show or an interview, or pretty much anything where I can't control the context, I'm loath to… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
Don't be bitter. Everybody suffers. If you can accept your suffering then you will understand other people better. Be grateful for pain. Love life. — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
Cynicism masquerades as wisdom, but it is the farthest thing from it. Because cynics don’t learn anything. Because cynicism is a self-imposed blindness, a… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
We all deserve credit for this new surveillance state that we live in because we the people voted for the Patriot Act. Democrats and… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
I've long been against illegal aliens, partly because they distract us from an even bigger threat: real aliens. — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
Believe in me, cause I don't believe in anything, and I wanna be someone to believe. — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
It's August, which means Congress is on recess and Mitch McConnell has shimmied back into the ocean to seek a mate. — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
Try to love others and serve others and hopefully find those who love and serve you in return. — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
Thirty seconds is the exact amount of time Americans can tolerate something they don't understand. — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
I used to make up stuff in my bio all the time, that I used to be a professional ice-skater and stuff like that.… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
I live by syllogisms: God is love. Love is blind. Stevie Wonder is blind. Therefore, Stevie Wonder is God. I don't know what I'd… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
“Unlike Paul Newman, who seems to think that salad dressing is the cure-all for America's ills, I'm a man of action.” — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
Now, for my younger viewers out there, a book is something we used to have before the internet. It’s sort of a blog for… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
