The reason to retire is to try to avoid embarrassment; you ought to do it before people are dropping big hints. You… — Garrison Keillor Copy Share Image
As for kissing on the first date, you should never date someone whom you would not wish to kiss immediately. — Garrison Keillor Copy Share Image
Boys, the first drink is a boon, the second is a gamble, the third is poor judgment, and then the rate of… — Garrison Keillor Copy Share Image
We English majors...need to promote public libraries as a tool in the war against terror. How many readers of Edith Wharton have… — Garrison Keillor Copy Share Image
Where I come from, when a Catholic marries a Lutheran it is considered the first step on the road to Minneapolis. — Garrison Keillor Copy Share Image
A romp in the hay lingers like the first line of a song, but your true love is the one you make… — Garrison Keillor Copy Share Image
God writes a lot of comedy... the trouble is, he's stuck with so many bad actors who don't know how to play funny. — Garrison Keillor Copy Share Image
The socially redeeming aspect of golf lies in the vast number of lawyers and bankers and managers who play it, and when you think… — Garrison Keillor Copy Share Image
Ha! Easy for nuns to talk about giving up things. That's what they do for a living. — Garrison Keillor Copy Share Image
This is the big reason most humorists fail. Drunks don't read books. — Garrison Keillor Copy Share Image
Before the world was made, when it was only darkness and mist and waters, God was well aware of Lake Wobegon, my family, our… — Garrison Keillor Copy Share Image
On investments, 1998: Where I'm from we don't trust paper. Wealth is what's here on the premises. If I open a cupboard and see,… — Garrison Keillor Copy Share Image
“The rich can afford to be progressive. Poor people have reason to be afraid of the future.” — Garrison Keillor Copy Share Image
English is the perfect language for preachers because it allows you to talk until you think of what to say. — Garrison Keillor Copy Share Image
“If you can't read a simple goddam sign and follow one simple goddam instruction then get your fat butt the hell out of here.” — Garrison Keillor Copy Share Image
“The Gospel is meant to comfort the afflicted and afflict the comfortable.” — Garrison Keillor Copy Share Image
