A cop stopped me for speeding/ He said, 'Why were you going so fast?' I said, 'See this thing my foot is… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, "Got any… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I once tried to commit suicide by jumping off a building...I changed my mind at the last minute, so I just flipped… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I used to be an airline pilot. I got fired because I kept locking the keys in the plane. They caught me… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked,… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
Nobody can really compare a relationship in which the victim is 15 years old to one where she's 6. While both criminal, they're very different circumstances. — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
It's very intense to be in front of a live audience. It's just an amazing experience. It's dangerous. Everything out there is heightened. The… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I got pulled over by a cop, and he said, 'do you know the speed limit here is 55 miles per hour?'. So I… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
“I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.” — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
When I'm on stage, it's really intense. My mind is going a million miles an hour, trying to remember my act, trying to say… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I don't like politicians, and I don't like politics. I definitely don't want to be associated with any of them. — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
