“Suddenly, however, the dastardly department of my personality presented two plans, one of which involved dynamite, mustache wax, some rope, and train tracks . . . which I rejected due to financial investment.” — Laurie Notaro Copy Share Image
I've never really considered doing stand up, but I have done readings/spoken word things fairly often in which I'll just tell a bunch of stories and run off at the mouth. I'm a big tangent person. — Laurie Notaro Copy Share Image
“It was the gift that every girl dreams of, to be dead long enough for your parents to realize how meaningless their lives were… — Laurie Notaro Copy Share Image
“Sure, I'd like to lose some weight, but a tapeworm is the last way I'd like to do it, except becoming a prisoner of… — Laurie Notaro Copy Share Image
“As a result of that experience, I do think all Anthropologies should provide a courtesy volcano just outside their dressing rooms so every woman… — Laurie Notaro Copy Share Image
“The lesson here is that a giant cupcake tattoo is typically an indication of two things: (1) Sister go her hands on some crystal… — Laurie Notaro Copy Share Image
My family were staunch believers in physical violence, not automatic violence, and we had a Safeway around the corner, so we never really needed… — Laurie Notaro Copy Share Image
“Goddamnit I've never been the "pretty friend..." She's the one who wears the perfect eyeliner, it never gathers like a crowd in her tear… — Laurie Notaro Copy Share Image
I majored in journalism at Arizona State University, where I began writing the columns I write now, but I cannot, in good conscience, refer… — Laurie Notaro Copy Share Image
I want a man as nice as my retarded dog, but one that doesn't crap on the floor. — Laurie Notaro Copy Share Image
“I just might kill someone in my next job, and I'll be honest here, I couldn't do the time. Really. No way. I couldn't… — Laurie Notaro Copy Share Image
“Dr. Bone Specialist came in, made me stand up and hobble across the room, checked my reflexes, and then made me lie down on… — Laurie Notaro Copy Share Image
“Asininity was puddling all around me in quantities too vast to soak up. - It Looked Different on the Model” — Laurie Notaro Copy Share Image
“Weddings, I began to understand, were vile, filthy things when they ran amuck.” — Laurie Notaro Copy Share Image
“Hadn't one of my all-time favorite reveries been to become a cranky hermit, live unperturbed in my house, and have things brought to me… — Laurie Notaro Copy Share Image
