Laurie Notaro

“It was the gift that every girl dreams of, to be dead long enough for your parents to realize how meaningless their…

— Laurie Notaro

“Sure, I'd like to lose some weight, but a tapeworm is the last way I'd like to do it, except becoming a…

— Laurie Notaro

“As a result of that experience, I do think all Anthropologies should provide a courtesy volcano just outside their dressing rooms so…

— Laurie Notaro

“The lesson here is that a giant cupcake tattoo is typically an indication of two things: (1) Sister go her hands on…

— Laurie Notaro

My family were staunch believers in physical violence, not automatic violence, and we had a Safeway around the corner, so we never…

— Laurie Notaro

“Goddamnit I've never been the "pretty friend..." She's the one who wears the perfect eyeliner, it never gathers like a crowd in…

— Laurie Notaro

I majored in journalism at Arizona State University, where I began writing the columns I write now, but I cannot, in good…

— Laurie Notaro

I want a man as nice as my retarded dog, but one that doesn't crap on the floor.

— Laurie Notaro

“There is a (slight) chance that I might be going to hell.”

— Laurie Notaro

“I just might kill someone in my next job, and I'll be honest here, I couldn't do the time. Really. No way.…

— Laurie Notaro

“Dr. Bone Specialist came in, made me stand up and hobble across the room, checked my reflexes, and then made me lie…

— Laurie Notaro

“Asininity was puddling all around me in quantities too vast to soak up. - It Looked Different on the Model”

— Laurie Notaro

“Weddings, I began to understand, were vile, filthy things when they ran amuck.”

— Laurie Notaro

“Hadn't one of my all-time favorite reveries been to become a cranky hermit, live unperturbed in my house, and have things brought…

— Laurie Notaro

I have more faith in my bra than I have in my accountant.

— Laurie Notaro

“It's a proclamation he regards as complete absolution from answering...as if his last name was Bush, he was eighteen, and there was…

— Laurie Notaro

“Whaddaya mean 'old maids,' ha? The term is 'unclaimed treasure,' buddy, 'unclaimed treasure!”

— Laurie Notaro

“I need to learn to recognize and identify these danger signs when I see them, and not brush them off as "eccentricities,"…

— Laurie Notaro

If you really believe in what you're doing, work hard, take nothing personally and if something blocks one route, find another. Never…

— Laurie Notaro

“If Nana thinks you're trying to scam her, she'll tell you, and if she thinks you ruined her life by discontinuing Arnold's…

— Laurie Notaro

I could croak with no warning, and the only tragedy anyone would experience would be showing up on the last day of…

— Laurie Notaro

“Once I had been jerked back to reality, like I was in a log on Splash Mountain and someone quickly applied the…

— Laurie Notaro

“You are basically a flophouse and a pimp away from Pepcid rehab, you know that?" I informed Nana.”

— Laurie Notaro

“As soon as Nicholas was born, my mother swore she'd rather see her daughters become Jehovah's Witnesses or pole dancers before she…

— Laurie Notaro

“Be honest with yourself; set the alarm for the time the Real You will get up, not the Ambitious You, because the…

— Laurie Notaro