If your nose doesn't bleed after masturbating you fuckers…

“My energies have been drained. Masturbating too much will do that.”

— Michelle M. Pillow

My friends keep telling me I'm doing it with Mary Palmer. That's not true - I'm too busy masturbating to meet anyone new.

— Roddy Piper

“Masturbation and meditation both promote physical and mental wellbeing.”

— Abhijit Naskar

“I will say it here on louder, all people to can hear it. I "DeYtH Banger" - I have masturbating problem ): .”

— Deyth Banger

That whole thing about masturbating. Most girls, I guess nobody has to tell them, they just figure it out. I had to be told.…

— Patti Smith

I was, uh, masturbating. - me when I don't want to admit I was in the bathroom for 30 minutes playing Angry Birds or…

— Nikhil Saluja

“Hey Sin, are you masturbating in there?”

— James Cox

“I can't," I said. "I threw my back out masturbating.”

— Chelsea Handler

Oh, that's me. I'm just masturbating. Well, if you keep interrupting me it will take a little bit longer. But usually it just takes…

— Due Date

If I get caught masturbating, I don't have to explain myself.

— Green Monk

Decaf is like masturbating with an oven mitt!

— Robin Williams

“Masturbating is no more sinful than praying or meditating.”

— Abhijit Naskar

When it comes to masturbating, my hand can be one of the biggest jerks.

— Nikhil Saluja

Time flies when you're masturbating.

— Anonymous

I can sell out Madison Square Garden masturbating

— Mike Tyson