“Today I am doing better than yesterday, and tomorrow I hope to be doing better than I am today. And two days… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I named my car Itch, not because it’s all scratched up, though it is, but because it got under my skin without… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Love happens to some people, sometimes. Other times other stuff happens to other people. I’m a person like those people.” — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“The birds bark my name, and I meow theirs in return. I may be a bit mixed up about life, but not… — Jarod Kintz Life Copy Share Image
“Love is a bridge between your future and mine. A bridge constructed entirely out of trust, honesty, and in our case, wooden… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A lot of people like wife swapping. I've got such a great wife I would only swap with a Mormon. It'd have… — Jarod Kintz Marriage Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be considered part of performance art, if you’re inconsiderate and steal all the covers while we’re asleep—and film me… — Jarod Kintz Art Copy Share Image
“I’m as deadly as a marine, when compared to marine plant life. It took lots of water, sunlight, and standing still to… — Jarod Kintz Life Copy Share Image
“The crowd was patriotic, and they were chanting “USA, USA.” Of course, the crowd was also dyslexic out at the state university… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A banker is a man who will lend you the short sleeve shirt off his back and demand a long sleeve one… — Jarod Kintz Banker Copy Share Image
“I don’t like salad dressing. I prefer salad undressing. I’m a health freak. And I do mean freak.” — Jarod Kintz Food Copy Share Image
“When your family dies, that’s a bummer, but that’s life. When my family dies, it’s a tragedy and the world is unbalanced… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’ve got a piece of the American Dream. I don’t have a house, but I do have a new chandelier. Now I… — Jarod Kintz American dream Copy Share Image
“I saw a baby make a boom-boom in his diaper, and I thought, I’d never have suspected him of being a terrorist.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I hate the smell of success, because most of the time it smells like sweat. Maybe that’s why I’m poor, because every… — Jarod Kintz Smell Copy Share Image
“I am a master of logic and a powerfully convincing debater. In fact, against my better judgment, I can talk myself out… — Jarod Kintz Logic Copy Share Image
“The lunchmeat fell on the floor, and I didn’t know what to do, so I wiped it off on the bottom of… — Jarod Kintz Life Copy Share Image
“The task may be simple for me, but if I make it look too easy, you won’t appreciate it as much as… — Jarod Kintz Struggle Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to enslave humanity. No wait, a brick can’t do that—but the Masons can. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to balance work and play. Just place the brick on the top of your head, and don’t… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“We had sex by the fireplace. I remember because my waxy nipples started dripping on the carpet.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used to battle the cold, but not battle an army with swords, bayonets, and other sharp objects (unless… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Sometimes writing is easy. Other times it’s as hard as trying to eat a whole whale, after the whale has just eaten… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“She said, “You disgust me. How do you live with yourself?” So I said, “Like I live with my clone: with many… — Jarod Kintz Flattery Copy Share Image
“I swam in the neighborhood peel. I mean pool. I guess I threw that pee in there because the swimming experience left… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used as a cat. Wait, I have that backwards. A cat could be used as a blanket. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“On the night of the murder I was at home, asleep. The characters in my dream can vouch for me.” — Jarod Kintz Dreams Copy Share Image
“There’s cat feces in my Batman costume, and all the lines in my screenplay were snorted by the neighborhood cokehead. Ah, but… — Jarod Kintz Movie Copy Share Image
“The US is at a point where just when the people imagine things can’t get any worse, they realize their imaginations weren’t… — Jarod Kintz Imagination Copy Share Image
I consider conversations with people to be mind exercises, but I don't want to pull a muscle, so I stretch a lot.… — Jarod Kintz Communication Copy Share Image
“Drive, guy. That green light isn’t going to get a deeper green. It’ll only ripen and turn yellow.” — Jarod Kintz Green light Copy Share Image
“I went to a nude beach. No naked people were around, but there was plenty of exposed flesh in the teeth of… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The president spends most of his time playing golf and vacationing. But the times he’s away from the office are the times… — Jarod Kintz Playing golf Copy Share Image
“Half of me wants to do it, while the other half says, No, amputate the other side of your body.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“She was dressed as a nearly invisible shower, wearing only a raincoat, and I sold her an umbrella that would shield her… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The coolest way to be cool is to be yourself, because nobody can be you but you. Well, aside from your clone. ” — Jarod Kintz Clone Copy Share Image
“The sundress she wanted was too expensive for me, so I bought her a moondress. It’s not as shiny, but it still… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’m a big cat lover, so I thought it’d be cool to join the Black Panther party. But can you believe it,… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If my name were Oscar, I’d want to be an actor and win my namesake award and take back my identity.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
I want my time to be taken up by chores, errands, appointments, and arguments. In other words, I want to get married. — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
