“The key to getting a discount is timing. Always negotiate on price before you pay.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“For most Americans, money and calories are always on their minds, although they burn too much of one, and not enough of… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“It’s not hush money. It’s simply dollars backed not by faith, but by shhh.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Money’s a tool, like a wrench, and until I make more I need to tighten my belt.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Tell me naughty things while I jack off. Say anything freaky, but don’t mention finance or economics. That’s just too kinky.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If given the choice, I’d take five ones over a five-dollar bill, because women prefer men with lots of money.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’m a poor worker. The quality of work I do is excellent, but I make no money.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“One of my hobbies is reading finance and economic books—at the strip club, where I “invest” my money.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I need money. I suppose I could sell my penis for profit. Or better yet, rent it out so it gets returned… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“In a depression, I’d imagine rich people try to dress like they’re poor, and poor people try to dress like they’re rich.… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Employment: I’ll trade my time and labor for your money. So time is not money, because money is time plus labor. I… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I would have made you a cheesecake, but I don’t know how. And I would have bought you a cheesecake, but I… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I don’t have any money to speak of. And if I did, what’s there to say? They say money talks, but it… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Any celebrity will tell you there’s no money in being invisible. But any bank robber will tell you there’s all the money… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“One of the most productive ways a government can spend money on the people is by building more prisons. That’s what makes… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Even though I know my own name (barely), I still sometimes write my name wrong. Usually it only happens when I write… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The first step to running a successful business, is printing out pictures of all the luxury items you’re going to buy once… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My wallet was empty after the charity auction. Of course, my wallet was empty before the auction too. I donated my time… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’m not rich in paper money, I’m rich in packets of sugar. Actually, I’m richer, because at least the packets of sugar… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I am a superhero! I wear Spandex and I save things. I don’t save people, I save money. My weapon is a… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If I see a homeless person begging for change, I might give them money, if they’ve got change for a nickel.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’m strapped for cash, and I’m also strapped to a chair in someone’s basement.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I talked so much about my product that I sold myself. I bought the very thing I was selling, and I think… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The ability to gauge intelligence is itself a form of intelligence. Monkeys don’t ponder how smart monkeys are. Ditto for politicians.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Here’s what I’d love to see: A vending machine that dispenses cats for petting on your lunch break. Instead of money, the… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’ll give you money to buy what I’m selling, because I’m a savvy salesman.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“There’s nothing that says love like getting money as a gift, and then giving it away to the needy. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I can’t afford to waste either my money or my time—but that doesn’t stop me from trying.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’m rich in poverty. I got no money coming out of my ass. I’m up to my neck in broke.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
The dollar isnt worth its weight in gold, and the pound isnt worth its weight in ounces. — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I launder dirty money. You should see my washing machine. (It’s filthy!)” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to locate the precise coordinates of the Masons. Just follow the bricks—and follow the money. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If I ever get a 20-dollar bill, I like to convert it into 20 singles, because women like guys with lots of money. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“With the money I spend on alcohol, I could support a family of four, assuming they are all heavy drinkers.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If love were a glove, I’d wear it on my foot like a goldfish in a silver mine. Ten dimes is too… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Money is seen as a great evil. But I've never seen a pile of cash stab someone.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I'm not fluent in affluent. Still, I’m grin rich, and my smile stretches from yesterday to tomorrow. You should kiss me on… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“With sex, I’d recommend practicing a lot. But remember, have fun with it. After all, you do want to get your money’s… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Do onto others what others won’t do for themselves. If they won’t save their money, I’ll save their money for them.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“What is it about money that makes people kill for it? I’ll have to think about that next time I do it.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I notice when you’re gone. Or do I? How can I observe something that isn’t there?” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“A blanket could be used to make sweet, sweet music with the love of your life. Hopefully that person is me, because I’ve been… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“A brick could be used to slow down time. Sort of like a camel in a wheelchair pushed by a thirsty Arab. Hey, Khalid,… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“I hid Mrs. Frozenwater’s body in the ice cube trays in my freezer. Better to keep her there than let her memory thaw out… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“Two similar words might lead to two similar ideas. They might also lead to the basement, which I recently converted into a dungeon/torture chamber.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“Nothing is and isn’t; nothing is and isn’t—nothing itself is, and at the same time, nothing isn’t.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“Dora J. Arod is to Jarod Ora, as yes is to yes. Yes is also the correct answer to “Will you marry me?” Other… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“The best part about being kidnapped is being blindfolded and getting kicked into the trunk of a car. Boy, normally I have to beg… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“Orafoura once told me that if I were a car, I’d be a Ferrari. One that was scratched smashed, rusted, and stolen.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“What makes a good leader? I ask myself this every day, and then as I begin to list off characteristics I realize I’m describing… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“I’d like to file a missing person’s report—on my clone. It’s nearly 2012. He should have been here by now.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
