You can't always be 100-percent positive that a joke will work, so you've just got to try it. Fortunately, if one new… — Doug Benson Copy Share Image
When you've been doing comedy for forty years, you really do know most of the jokes. And even if you don't know… — John Cleese Copy Share Image
Personally, I hope he doesn't get out of the campaign. I need Rick Perry. I don't want to spend the next year… — Craig Ferguson Copy Share Image
The best thing that can happen to a couple married for fifty years or more is that they both grow nearsighted together. — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
You know, Aunt Tasha makes jokes about how youʹd actually be a better queen than the others, except sometimes . . .… — Richelle Mead Copy Share Image
When you're going for a joke, you're stuck out there if it doesn't work. There's nowhere to go. You've done the drum… — Bob Newhart Copy Share Image
My father taught me to work; he did not teach me to love it. I never did like to work, and I… — Abraham Lincoln Copy Share Image
I love New Zealand. Every time I'm in New Zealand someone makes a joke about it being mostly sheep, which I think… — Patrick Stump Copy Share Image
The secret of understanding poetry is to hear poetry's words as what they are: the full self's most intimate speech, half waking,… — Jane Hirshfield Copy Share Image
Irony ruined everything Even the best exploitation movies were never meant to be 'so bad they were good'. They were not made… — John Waters Copy Share Image
I always wanted to be a comedic actor - that's what I wanted from the job - to do comedy and to… — Adam DeVine Copy Share Image
I think it's cool to play characters who are very joke-y and yet you can show a total serious, very somber side… — James Phelps Copy Share Image
I don't do Jewish stuff because I don't want people to be left out. If I mention the Torah in Alabama, it's… — Rita Rudner Copy Share Image
I don't like any one race or look or type of guy. My tastes as far as looks go are very diverse.… — Sasha Grey Copy Share Image
Kindergarten teacher trying to explain the definition of the word definitely. To make sure, she asks the students to use the word… — Sharlene05 Copy Share Image
Now, as Mandelbrot points out, ... Nature has played a joke on the mathematicians. The 19th-century mathematicians may not have been lacking… — Freeman Dyson Copy Share Image
“I had a dream about you last night... we tried to joke but neither could make any sense. We realized that puns… — Marshall Ramsay Copy Share Image
Im not saying I hate ya but if u happen to get hit by a bus, I wouldn't say I might not… — Kevin McCarty Copy Share Image
A good fart joke makes me bawl with laughter, so will somebody farting. And the word 'poo.' You can't beat a good… — Jenny Eclair Copy Share Image
It was not easy to get to where I am. My challenge is to learn to deal with the jokes that are… — Maria das Gracas Silva Foster Copy Share Image
The real problem you get with humour is that you only have so many kinds of jokes within you, and you mine… — Bill Bryson Copy Share Image
If my dog wants to know why I didn't feed him this morning, he may want to rethink walking out of the… — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
Jeff Foxworthy is a legend. Every time I see his moustache it reminds me to wax my lip and every time I… — Lisa Lampanelli Copy Share Image
How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word? Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
A joke is either funny or it's not funny. If I hear a funny joke, you know what I do? I laugh,… — Alonzo Bodden Copy Share Image
Maybe I was what Leah thought she was. Some kind of dead end that shouldn’t be passed on to another generation. Or… — Stephenie Meyer Copy Share Image
I'm an actor. I've always been an actor. I've always approached all my comedy as an actor. I don't really care about… — Brett Gelman Copy Share Image
(Finland is a famously introverted nation. Finnish joke: How can you tell if a Finn likes you? He's staring at your shoes… — Susan Cain Copy Share Image
You should not take prayer too seriously. There is something playful about God. You only have to look at a penguin ...… — Thomas Keating Copy Share Image
I think I realized that Dave Barry was funnier than I'll ever be, and he made no attempt to make any actual… — Joel Stein Copy Share Image
It's probably not a good idea to be chewing on a toothpick if you're talking to the president, because what if he… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
You have to have a passionate opinion; otherwise you sound false. You end up telling the audience jokes they've already heard. — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
... the majority of us scarcely see more distinctly the faultiness of our own conduct than the faultiness of our own arguments,… — George Eliot Copy Share Image
Obama supporters are like christmas lights. They all hang out together, half of em don't work, and the ones that do work… — Mario Tomasello Copy Share Image
Art once made a cult of beauty. Now we have a cult of ugliness instead. This has made art into an elaborate… — Roger Scruton Copy Share Image
I'm a goof. I talk too much. I tell stories. I tell cheesy Dad jokes. I'm theatrical and I'll mix things up… — William Beckett Copy Share Image
“The preacher released a pent-up breath as he sagged in relief. “Thank God he's gone.” His eyes narrowed at Alexander as he… — Rose Wynters Copy Share Image
I've come to feel very strongly, not as a joke, that if you appoint a committee of more than four people, their… — Charlton Heston Copy Share Image
The Soviet Union represents a threat in terms of might. It is a joke in terms of its economy and what it… — Jack Kemp Copy Share Image
Don't Take It Seriously * When the SHARE BROKER says, It will rise right up, fluctuate for a while and then slowly… — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
![“I think it's cool to play characters who are very joke-y and yet you can show a total serious, very somber side to them. You don't normally get that in a film - and in a [film] series especially. To be able to do that was really cool.” quote by James Phelps](https://sms4smile.com/q/i/8be/james-phelps-71781_able_i-think-it-s-cool-to-play-characters-who_2071004.jpg)
![“... the majority of us scarcely see more distinctly the faultiness of our own conduct than the faultiness of our own arguments, orthe dulness [sic] of our own jokes.” quote by George Eliot](https://sms4smile.com/q/i/9c1/george-eliot-84_argument_the-majority-of-us-scarcely-see-more-dis_1093098.png)
