Dana Gould

I can't wait for the day I learn to live in the now!

— Dana Gould

Being funny is not the same as being happy.

— Dana Gould

That which does not kill you isn't finished.

— Dana Gould

Egg nog. Because nothing satisfies like a cold glass of eggs.

— Dana Gould

Life imitates art but art intimidates life.

— Dana Gould

Why do old people drive with their mouths open?

— Dana Gould

Death's vigilance is eternal, so shall mine be.

— Dana Gould

When homeless people go camping, how do they know?

— Dana Gould

59% of all suicides are actually botched murder-suicides performed by dyslexics.

— Dana Gould

I would think, if you were horny enough, there'd come a time when it was hos before bros.

— Dana Gould

If God is all powerful, and Jesus is the son of God, why did He make His birthday fall on Christmas?

— Dana Gould

The best part of chronic head lice is it takes away your fear of dying alone.

— Dana Gould

Do you know what Irish Alzheimer's is? It's when you forget everything but your grudges.

— Dana Gould

I used to fear living a life untouched by God, but now, for some reason I've gone back to being afraid of…

— Dana Gould

I like my coffee the way I like my women: after waiting impatiently in a long line.

— Dana Gould

Drum Competitions are called such because no one wants to win the big Beat Off.

— Dana Gould

Catholic Church reasserts its moral authority on contraception: If God believed in birth control, altar boys would have a uterus.

— Dana Gould

As anyone who's ever adopted a dog will tell you, there's always the fear that one day the birth parents will come…

— Dana Gould

Gorillas would be less scary with bunny ears. Actually, what isn't less scary with bunny ears? Osama Bin Laden with bunny ears.…

— Dana Gould

Love is like pancreatitis; it starts off slow, then builds in intensity until you become consumed and develop violent cramps.

— Dana Gould

My fantasy football team got mixed up in another fantasy and now they're stuck on a pirate ship with a chick in…

— Dana Gould

How do I ask my shrink to stop responding to everything I say with, Too much information! and then giggling behind a…

— Dana Gould

Centuries ago, human beings created marriage. Later, they looked to the sky and dreamt of traveling to the moon. Coincidence?

— Dana Gould

I bet when all the punctuation marks have a party, they quietly look at exclamation point's wife and think, that poor woman.

— Dana Gould

If anything, I believe that when I die, I will have to stand in front of all the children who went to…

— Dana Gould

What if you died, and you found out that when you died, we all went to the same place. No Heaven, no…

— Dana Gould

I live in Los Angeles. It's a very liberal city, but it's so hypocritical in what it's liberal about. You can be…

— Dana Gould

Women do it all the time to look younger and it would make perfect sense if one of them ever came out…

— Dana Gould

You will never experience less reality than when you are watching a reality show. You're watching people who aren't actors, put into…

— Dana Gould

I was watching Batman, the TV show, on TV Land, on the cable. And Robin said to Batman, Golly, Batman! Why is…

— Dana Gould

We broke up, and my first reaction was 'Fine - I've been through this too many times. I can't change your mind.…

— Dana Gould

When you're 17 years old, you have no idea who you are as a person, so there's no way you can be…

— Dana Gould

When you break life down, it's about 100% time management.

— Dana Gould

I'm the Forrest Gump of comedy.

— Dana Gould

Strap On spelled backwards is No Parts. Just sayin'.

— Dana Gould

My dog is so old, she now has a lot of cats.

— Dana Gould

Can you have a seance to summon the ghost of a dead zombie?

— Dana Gould

Corn is the only food you hold like corn.

— Dana Gould

I'm no longer afraid of not making enough mistakes.

— Dana Gould

The average permanent lasts about four months.

— Dana Gould