There is no fast, easy shortcut for the word abbreviation. — Dana Gould Abbreviations Copy Share Image
There's something vaguely erotic about watching a woman eat a banana while cupping two plums. — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
Just saw a woman with a big tattoo of Jesus on her back. I guess it's an ixnay on the oggy style-day. — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
If I'm alone in the car and I fart, I still laugh at it. It's the little things that keep us civilised. — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
When I finally invent a time machine you will already know about it because I'll have told you a long time ago. — Dana Gould Computers Copy Share Image
Every time the circus comes to town, I can't help thinking, Somewhere out there, there's clown semen. — Dana Gould Circus Copy Share Image
When I found out that coffins are padded, I stopped fearing death. — Dana Gould Coffins Copy Share Image
We would have never gotten mace had someone not thought, There must be a good way to burn someone's eyes. — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
I've grown tired of resting on my laurels and have decided to start resting on my failures. — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
My whole approach to marriage is simple: my wife will do something that drives me insane, I won't say anything, and then,… — Dana Gould Approach Copy Share Image
You write the script, and then you just go over it 400 times and make all the jokes better. It really is… — Dana Gould Jokes Copy Share Image
The Elephant Man claimed his head was big because, it's so full of dreams. Actually, it's because his skull was shaped like… — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
Women are like pumpkins; you search and search for the perfect one, bring it home, and the next thing you know, you're… — Dana Gould Feminism Copy Share Image
If pop music reflects the culture, this will surely go down as the era in which people rose up and realized it… — Dana Gould Culture Copy Share Image
I used to pessimistically think I was going to die alone, but now I optimistically know I'm going to die hoping to… — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
If The Beatles represent the most successful version you can be of a thing, then by that definition The Rolling Stones are… — Dana Gould Beatles Copy Share Image
The hole on the face of an acoustic guitar is called the sound hole. The one of the face of its player… — Dana Gould Acoustic guitar Copy Share Image
I was watching Batman, the TV show, on TV Land, on the cable. And Robin said to Batman, Golly, Batman! Why is… — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
In the land of the blind, the one-eyed man will probably end up dating the best looking blind chick. — Dana Gould Blind Copy Share Image
Even if I say, Everyone in the village died of diarrhea, I still laugh a little after diarrhea. — Dana Gould Comedy Copy Share Image
Cowboy boots with a suit? You're a rough, tough businessman. Chaps with a bow tie? You're in the rough, tough man business. — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
If you encounter someone who pronounces the t in often, odds are they're a douchebag. — Dana Gould Douchebags Copy Share Image
New synonyms for sex: Going to a family function, getting the hard part over with, anti-fillet. Get it? Sex! — Dana Gould Family Copy Share Image
The magazine at the health food store said, Stop Aging! Isn't that what death is for? Trust me, we're all gonna stop… — Dana Gould Aging Copy Share Image
It's been years since any hillbilly has reported getting sodomized by an alien. Did they break up and not tell us? — Dana Gould Aliens Copy Share Image
They say that God is in the details. Then again, they also say that the Devil is in the details. Boy, talk… — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
To really make it look like Santa came, I put reindeer poop on the roof. It's just so cold up there with… — Dana Gould Christmas Copy Share Image
Having sex with a dead grammar teacher is a violation of past tense usage. — Dana Gould Grammar Copy Share Image
I love my dog, but since the kids came along, the petting has gone out of our relationship. — Dana Gould Animal Copy Share Image
If you want to see what I'll look like as an old guy, check out any recent photo of me. — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
