A lot of people are looking for their soul mates. Along the way, it's nice to bump into some genital pals. — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
Do you know what Irish Alzheimer's is? It's when you forget everything but your grudges. — Dana Gould Alzheimer Copy Share Image
I used to fear living a life untouched by God, but now, for some reason I've gone back to being afraid of… — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
Every day is a gift. That said, I've gotten some pretty shitty gifts over the years. — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
I went to high school with some wonderful people, but my entire high school experience was just waiting to leave. — Dana Gould Experience Copy Share Image
My father hauled boxes so I could get an education and earn enough money to pay someone to make me lift weights. — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
If you read angry political blogs, substitute Obama with my daddy and you'll usually learn a lot about the author. — Dana Gould Angry Copy Share Image
Have you ever had a gay friend lose weight and you can't decide if it's good news or not? Hey you look...… — Dana Gould Friendship Copy Share Image
I know that big, important things don't just come together overnight, but I've been me for a long time now and it's… — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
We come into this world naked, covered in our own blood, screaming in terror - and it doesn't have to stop there… — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
Usually the people that peak in high school are tragic, tragic adults. Most of them end up working for the water department… — Dana Gould Adults Copy Share Image
If studies on lab rats are any indication, human beings have a deep-seated fear of a big, scary cat being let into… — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
If life begins at conception, but you can be born again later, only to live on eternally after death, what's the big… — Dana Gould After death Copy Share Image
Whenever someone starts a statement with, Let me tell you the kind of guy I am, that is a great time to… — Dana Gould Great times Copy Share Image
Does anyone remember how we used to get cash before ATM's? Did we have to go inside the bank? Then what? We… — Dana Gould Apes Copy Share Image
One great way to mess with devout Christians and atheists would be if Jesus came back and said, By the way, you… — Dana Gould Atheist Copy Share Image
Common sense dictates the term hot fudge sundae has a totally different meaning in prison. — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
The Cadillac Escalade is the perfect vehicle for a pimp with a growing family. — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
Do people in the Ku Klux Klan who die and come back as ghosts have to wear two sheets when attending the… — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
I was an altar boy in the Roman Catholic Church and no priest ever laid a hand on me. That's me, always… — Dana Gould Altars Copy Share Image
Our dog just wanders around the house with a concerned look on his face. Dogs are just people who can't find their… — Dana Gould Animal Copy Share Image
Every Thanksgiving we feed the homeless so they may join us as we celebrate other people finding a home. — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
I have all my ex-girlfriends lumped into one big girlfriend I called M.A.N.D.Y.: My, Another Neurotic Disappointment? Yes. — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
I try to look on the bright side, but it really hurts my eyes. — Dana Gould Bright side Copy Share Image
The weird thing about old Playboys is knowing that the naked woman is now an old lady. I said weird. I didn't… — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
I think I had an argument with a hypnotist this morning. It makes perfect sense as I have no memory of it. — Dana Gould Argument Copy Share Image
Chocolate covered peanuts, chocolate covered raisins, chocolate covered pretzels... Chocolate. So afraid to be alone. — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
Where is the good will in the thought, I was going to throw this in the garbage, do you want to wear… — Dana Gould Fashion Copy Share Image
Classified ads of the Ku Klux Klan: Tired of all the games? Do you like racial purity, horses and dressing up like… — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
In an effort to look cool, I am going to stop shouting Hey, you! at airplanes. — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
Why do I always meet women as I'm leaving the dog park with a big bag of poop? And it's always on… — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
I'm going to live until I die, and everything in between is just another excuse to eat peanut butter. — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
I'm of the generation of kids where the G.I. Joe's developed Kung Fu Grip right around the same time I did. — Dana Gould Generation Copy Share Image
One of the coolest things about the word boobs is, when you look at it, it has boobs. — Dana Gould Boobs Copy Share Image
Why is it, when I have nothing to do, I drink more coffee? It's as if I'm in a big hurry to… — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
This is just a hunch, but I bet airplanes think helicopters are assholes. — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
Love means never having to say you're sorry. Marriage means apologizing when you know you're right. — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
The Republican Party is the party of Eddie Haskell and the principal from Ferris Bueller's Day Off. — Dana Gould Days off Copy Share Image
The more women walk around in sweat pants, the harder it is to tell who's out jogging and who's running away from… — Dana Gould Feminism Copy Share Image
