Chocolate covered peanuts, chocolate covered raisins, chocolate covered pretzels... Chocolate. So afraid to be alone. — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
I think I had an argument with a hypnotist this morning. It makes perfect sense as I have no memory of it. — Dana Gould Argument Copy Share Image
In an effort to look cool, I am going to stop shouting Hey, you! at airplanes. — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
I'm of the generation of kids where the G.I. Joe's developed Kung Fu Grip right around the same time I did. — Dana Gould Generation Copy Share Image
One of the coolest things about the word boobs is, when you look at it, it has boobs. — Dana Gould Boobs Copy Share Image
Why do I always meet women as I'm leaving the dog park with a big bag of poop? And it's always on… — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
I'm going to live until I die, and everything in between is just another excuse to eat peanut butter. — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
Why is it, when I have nothing to do, I drink more coffee? It's as if I'm in a big hurry to… — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
Does anyone remember how we used to get cash before ATM's? Did we have to go inside the bank? Then what? We… — Dana Gould Apes Copy Share Image
Whenever someone starts a statement with, Let me tell you the kind of guy I am, that is a great time to… — Dana Gould Great times Copy Share Image
If I had a Volkswagon Beetle. I'd paint the front to resemble Glenn Langdon in War Of The Colossal Beast. Why? Two… — Dana Gould Beast Copy Share Image
One great way to mess with devout Christians and atheists would be if Jesus came back and said, By the way, you… — Dana Gould Atheist Copy Share Image
As hipster chicks age, and their skin starts to sag, tramp stamps sink below waistbands, like the sun slipping into the sea. — Dana Gould Age Copy Share Image
Because of Bluetooth headsets, it's getting more and more difficult to tell who's schizophrenic and who's on a conference call. — Dana Gould Bluetooth Copy Share Image
We come into this world naked, covered in our own blood, screaming in terror - and it doesn't have to stop there… — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
Usually the people that peak in high school are tragic, tragic adults. Most of them end up working for the water department… — Dana Gould Adults Copy Share Image
I was an altar boy in the Roman Catholic Church and no priest ever laid a hand on me. That's me, always… — Dana Gould Altars Copy Share Image
Our dog just wanders around the house with a concerned look on his face. Dogs are just people who can't find their… — Dana Gould Animal Copy Share Image
I have all my ex-girlfriends lumped into one big girlfriend I called M.A.N.D.Y.: My, Another Neurotic Disappointment? Yes. — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
Every Thanksgiving we feed the homeless so they may join us as we celebrate other people finding a home. — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
I try to look on the bright side, but it really hurts my eyes. — Dana Gould Bright side Copy Share Image
Life is like The Muppet Show, but instead of Muppets there's anxiety. — Dana Gould Anxiety Copy Share Image
Twitter is not a good place for people who feel they're being followed. — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
Let's all start wearing bolo ties, and when they become hip again, we'll all say we were kidding. — Dana Gould Comedy Copy Share Image
If I had a dreamcatcher when I was thirteen, it would have spent many long days in the dryer. — Dana Gould Dryers Copy Share Image
Earthquakes would be great if they could hit specific areas, like the parent lounge at a children's beauty pageant. — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
Why do some bald guys grow ponytails? It it the same reason people too old to run always wear track shoes and… — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
Homo sapiens are the only mammals who intentionally hold Beard Of Bees competitions. — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
People get into stand-up comedy by and large because they're smart and they have a perspective. — Dana Gould Comedy Copy Share Image
Many stroke survivors look back on their attack as a stroke of luck. Of course, by luck they mean horrible paralysis. — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
You have an obligation to challenge your fans and your viewers. — Dana Gould Challenge Copy Share Image
I'll never be alone, because I'll always have My Problems with me! — Dana Gould Problem Copy Share Image
I have no ability to develop muscle tone. I could do situps all day and still look like a condom full of… — Dana Gould Ability Copy Share Image
I don't mind being alone when I'm surrounded by people, I just hate being alone when I'm alone. — Dana Gould Hate Copy Share Image
What do people in prison say when they meet new friends? Give me your cell number. — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
I like to think of Doritos as emotional packing material to safeguard the feelings I've swallowed. — Dana Gould Doritos Copy Share Image
