Rejected names for World War II: 'Global Super Killfest', 'Germaniacal Japandamonium', 'World War 1: New Moon'. — Dana Gould Israel Copy Share Image
I am faced with a bruising dilemma: pay to fix the dishwasher or continue serving everything in waffle cones. — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
Every time I fold the baby's clothes I feel like a giant that got a housekeeping job with a nice family. — Dana Gould Baby Copy Share Image
Republicans don't believe government works, and get into it to prove it will fail. Same with strippers and relationships. — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
I don't want to say my mom is late on trends, but this morning she said, Have a shagadelic day, sweetheart. — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
I love it when dogs yawn. Especially when it's in the middle of another dog's speech. — Dana Gould Animal Copy Share Image
A lot of people think my sarcasm comes from insecurity and defensiveness, but I assure you I'm just being petty and cruel. — Dana Gould Defensiveness Copy Share Image
A lot of people have a particular song that, no matter their mood, turns them on. With me, it's Eleanor Rigby. — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
No one has ever thought this: Now that I'm out of therapy and have fixed my mental problems, I think I want… — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
The simple act of smiling at people makes the world a better place. Unless it's the day you decide to walk around… — Dana Gould Better place Copy Share Image
In the midst of all the candy and commercialism, let's not lose sight of the true meaning of Halloween: tree worship and… — Dana Gould Animal Copy Share Image
Somewhere a woman is praying her toddler wins a beauty pageant. I say this because sometimes people wonder why God lets tornadoes… — Dana Gould Beauty Copy Share Image
If my dog wants to know why I didn't feed him this morning, he may want to rethink walking out of the… — Dana Gould Animal Copy Share Image
I wanted to be a comedian. I wanted to meet waitresses and felt that being a comedian was my best way to… — Dana Gould Best way Copy Share Image
My life is just like Breaking Bad except instead of a chemistry teacher I'm just a guy and instead of making meth… — Dana Gould Breaking bad Copy Share Image
Because of Bluetooth headsets, it's getting more and more difficult to tell who's schizophrenic and who's on a conference call. — Dana Gould Bluetooth Copy Share Image
That which does not kill you usually circles around and tries again. — Dana Gould Circles Copy Share Image
Dogs: the best friend you will ever have that pees on your couch and stays your friend. — Dana Gould Animal Copy Share Image
Now that the Sanctity and Holiness of heterosexual marriage has been destroyed, are they going to cancel The Bachelor? — Dana Gould Bachelor Copy Share Image
Whoever thought to name a candy bar Butterfinger has either never seen Last Tango In Paris or seen it far too many… — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
Unshaven dudes in hoodies and ski caps look so hip and cool, until they too close to a grocery cart full of… — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
A big blizzard proves there's no global warming in the same way being out of milk proves there's no such thing as… — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
I want to leave the world as I entered it: naked and crying in a room full of strangers. — Dana Gould Cry Copy Share Image
The hard part about living in the present is it forces you to abandon hope for the future. Thanks for nothing, now. — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
There must be a way to get more of these in me faster, thought the inventor of pea soup as he sat… — Dana Gould Eating Copy Share Image
Something tells me that Mitt Romney's sex face is the same as his regular face. — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
I've never slept with a virgin, but I love breaking the seal on a new peanut butter. — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
Wrote a science fiction novel about a man who wins an argument with his wife, but it was rejected for being too… — Dana Gould Argument Copy Share Image
Since the dawn of time, primitive humans thought, loved and had poetry. They also pooped on everything. It was horrible. — Dana Gould Dawn Copy Share Image
My first open mic was fantastic. I crushed. And my second mic was as bad as my first one was good. — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
Reality TV is the perfect antidote to people who don't have enough self-centered douchebags in their life. — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
Our grocery store now has self-checkout, for your convenience. It's like getting punched in the throat, for your comfort. — Dana Gould Checkouts Copy Share Image
If God is all powerful, and Jesus is the son of God, why did He make His birthday fall on Christmas? — Dana Gould Birthday Copy Share Image
The best part of chronic head lice is it takes away your fear of dying alone. — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
59% of all suicides are actually botched murder-suicides performed by dyslexics. — Dana Gould Murder Copy Share Image
I would think, if you were horny enough, there'd come a time when it was hos before bros. — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
Drum Competitions are called such because no one wants to win the big Beat Off. — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
I like my coffee the way I like my women: after waiting impatiently in a long line. — Dana Gould Coffee Copy Share Image
A giant python was discovered in Florida. Spooky news for a state that derives half it's income from a giant mouse. — Dana Gould Florida Copy Share Image
