Why did I adopt kids? I dunno. Let me look at my family: religious weirdo, gun nut, biker, boozer, dead tooth, too… — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
I'm so weird with women. I couldn't go up to a gorgeous woman and tell her the building's on fire. 'Don't take… — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
If you gave a bag of potato chips to the guy who invented Pringles, he'd look at you like you were trying… — Dana Gould Abortion Copy Share Image
We all enter this world in the same way: naked, screaming, soaked in blood. But if you live your life right, that… — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
The expression working like a dog dates back to a time in America when men would rise early, then lie around all… — Dana Gould America Copy Share Image
If Abe Lincoln took part in the Republican debates, he would look out of place with his intelligence, compassion and gaping head… — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
I grew up in a town called Hopedale, Massachusetts. I was born there in 1964, and the only thing I hate outside… — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
Despite a primitive brain, the octopus possesses an intricate system that helps it decide which tentacle to masturbate with. — Dana Gould Brain Copy Share Image
I don't want to appear to be placing blame, but as far my life is concerned, everything is pretty much my dad's… — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
For men there are costumes like fireman, policeman and vampire. For women there are costumes like slutty fireman, slutty policeman and slutty… — Dana Gould Costumes Copy Share Image
Always remember, you don't stop shitting your pants because you grow old. You grow old because you stop shitting your pants. — Dana Gould Comedy Copy Share Image
I feel sorry for high school teams still named the Cougars. Now what does the coach say? Get out there and play… — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
Take away the robots and the special effects, and Star Wars is just the simple story of a group of friends planning… — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
Today I saw a guy who looked like me in a funhouse mirror. He looked at me like, Hey, that's how I… — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
As hard as I try to live with some degree of faith in my life, I just can't believe that the full… — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
There's nothing like a string of Xmas lights inside the house to make the whole family feel like they live in a… — Dana Gould Christmas Copy Share Image
Showing joy by jumping up and down and clapping goes away at some point between pre-school and being old enough to go… — Dana Gould Being old Copy Share Image
Had an audition for a pilot today, but realized I could save gas and help the environment by pissing up a rope… — Dana Gould Auditions Copy Share Image
When all the people covered in tattoos turn about 70 years old, they're going to look like a strange race of melting clowns. — Dana Gould Clown Copy Share Image
When I was in high school, girls made fun of me for liking vampire movies. Now, I'd be their king. Time machine,… — Dana Gould Fun Copy Share Image
