I'll never be alone, because I'll always have My Problems with me! — Dana Gould Problem Copy Share Image
Many stroke survivors look back on their attack as a stroke of luck. Of course, by luck they mean horrible paralysis. — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
You have an obligation to challenge your fans and your viewers. — Dana Gould Challenge Copy Share Image
I have no ability to develop muscle tone. I could do situps all day and still look like a condom full of… — Dana Gould Ability Copy Share Image
I don't mind being alone when I'm surrounded by people, I just hate being alone when I'm alone. — Dana Gould Hate Copy Share Image
What do people in prison say when they meet new friends? Give me your cell number. — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
Centuries ago, human beings created marriage. Later, they looked to the sky and dreamt of traveling to the moon. Coincidence? — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
I bet when all the punctuation marks have a party, they quietly look at exclamation point's wife and think, that poor woman. — Dana Gould Exclamation Copy Share Image
Halloween Costume I Hate: kids dressed as their parent's poltical beliefs. Oooh! Aren't you a scary health care reform bill! — Dana Gould Belief Copy Share Image
Here's something you never hear: Now that I've worked through all my emotional issues, I'm free to dedicate my life to ventriloquism! — Dana Gould Emotional Copy Share Image
Getting plastic surgery in your late 70's, it's kind of like painting your house as the fire approaches. Just die, there's no… — Dana Gould Approach Copy Share Image
In a world of war, pain and suffering, all I want for Christmas is an underwater watch and a silver clutch rod… — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
Scatterbrain is one of those harmless little words you use a million times... Then it turns up in a crime scene description. — Dana Gould Crime Copy Share Image
I'm only afraid of dying if I'm to be held accountable for what I did while living. If there's no God or… — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
I like to think of Doritos as emotional packing material to safeguard the feelings I've swallowed. — Dana Gould Doritos Copy Share Image
Life is like The Muppet Show, but instead of Muppets there's anxiety. — Dana Gould Anxiety Copy Share Image
Twitter is not a good place for people who feel they're being followed. — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
Let's all start wearing bolo ties, and when they become hip again, we'll all say we were kidding. — Dana Gould Comedy Copy Share Image
If I had a dreamcatcher when I was thirteen, it would have spent many long days in the dryer. — Dana Gould Dryers Copy Share Image
Earthquakes would be great if they could hit specific areas, like the parent lounge at a children's beauty pageant. — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
People get into stand-up comedy by and large because they're smart and they have a perspective. — Dana Gould Comedy Copy Share Image
Why do some bald guys grow ponytails? It it the same reason people too old to run always wear track shoes and… — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
Homo sapiens are the only mammals who intentionally hold Beard Of Bees competitions. — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
I once felt bad because I had no shoes, and then I met a man who had no feet. He was wearing… — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
As Global Warming raises temparatures, it takes longer to cool pies on window sills, and I wonder if this whole thing was… — Dana Gould Climate Copy Share Image
They say that cats are the only animal that can sit in your lap and ignore you. To which I say: you've… — Dana Gould Animal Copy Share Image
To me 30 isn't old. But it's definitely the beginning of no longer young. Because you notice little subtle things happen to… — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
My dog keeps looking at me as if he knows my secret, as if he and he alone can see my soul.… — Dana Gould Animal Copy Share Image
I feel very uncomfortable when I eat in restaurants. I'm obnoxiously polite with the waiters: 'I just want a tuna sandwich. I'll… — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
I don't like to generalize, but if you see a guy with his shirt tucked into his shorts, he's probably killed three… — Dana Gould Children Copy Share Image
What if you went to Hell, and it was exactly what you thought it would be: just a cave with fire? And… — Dana Gould Caves Copy Share Image
It's gonna be awesome! A suspected pedophile dunks my kids head in a bucket so when she dies she can live in… — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
Whoever coined the phrase, killing two birds with one stone, not only hated birds but also thought we needed to conserve stones. — Dana Gould Bird Copy Share Image
Chihuahuas are the perfect pet if you don't have a person in your life who screams and shits their pants every time… — Dana Gould Animal Copy Share Image
As I die, and my life flashes before my eyes, I want to see who made faces at me when I turned… — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
What's a farmer's market without some guy singing Here Comes The Sun in a way that makes you wish the sun would… — Dana Gould Farmers Copy Share Image
The only thing that will stop a bad guy with a pressure cooker bomb is a good guy with a slightly larger… — Dana Gould Bad guy Copy Share Image
