Jokes Quotes · Page 32

Holy wow! it looks like your face caught fire and someone tried to put it out with a fork.

— Curly

Hell, do I remember the first joke? I was never a jokester.

— Don Rickles

I sometimes joke that when I die, my tombstone will say, 'Here lies the guy who hired Jonathan Ive,'

— Robert Brunner

Nazism: You have two cows. The Government shoots you and takes the cows.

— Anonymous

If your regime is not strong enough to handle a joke, then you don't have a regime.

— Jon Stewart

Nobody sold prints then and prices didn't mean anything. In terms of earning your living, it was a joke.

— Garry Winogrand

“Someone to whom jokes are never told soon contracts enthusiasm deficiency.”

— Hanif Kureishi

I love telling stories, telling jokes, making people laugh. Ive got no plans to stop doing it.

— David Alan Basche

Everyone seems to think I'm very ladylike. That I'm very cultured and intelligent. I drink alot of Diet Coke and belch. I've…

— Helena Bonham Carter

At the end of the day people should remember that we are just trying to make people laugh. Some jokes work and…

— Kiku Sharda

I sit in places like Costa Coffee in Banstead and write rubbish. I need a deadline. I think about the 44 tour…

— Tim Vine

All of comedy at some level is trial-and-error, whether it's a stand-up trying out jokes or a comedy show trying stories.

— Michael Schur

Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe: Well developed and open to trade, especially for someone of real value.

— Nikhil Saluja

What's cool about Twitter is that you can make a joke about something very of-the-moment or random that I wouldn't be able…

— Aziz Ansari

I don't take jokes from other people. It's really not cool to steal jokes from anybody. It's not cool to steal anything…

— Brian Regan

To single out a particular group and say we can't make a joke about them is almost a form of prejudice and…

— Sacha Baron Cohen

What are they waiting to see?" Sam follows my gaze and I shrug. "Who knows? You could always do a dance, or…

— Sophie Kinsella

I don't read all the junk. I joke if I did, I wouldn't get out of bed in the morning. But, Sometimes…

— Gretchen Carlson

An English professor wrote the words, "Woman without her man is nothing" on the blackboard and directed his students to punctuate it…

— Anonymous

Science, the largest religion of the twentieth century, had become tarnished by images of exploding space shuttles, crack babies, and a generation…

— Jim Butcher

I know it's the comedian's instinct to say, "Do it, man, nothing's off-limits! It's cool, bro!" I don't know if that's the…

— Bo Burnham

Spurious prudence, making the senses final, is the god of sots and cowards, and is the subject of all comedy. It is…

— Ralph Waldo Emerson

Clive [Oppenheimer] and I figured out that I'm the only one probably in the film industry who is clinically sane. I say…

— Werner Herzog

No wonder we cannot appreciate the really central Kafka joke: that the horrific struggle to establish a human self results in a…

— David Foster Wallace

Reasons to date me: I laugh at my own jokes so you don't have to.

— Amit Verma

The aim of a joke is not to degrade the human being, but to remind him that he is already degraded.

— George Orwell

Yes, I would say my comedy is grunge, evidenced by the fact my jokes have put an end to big-hair glam comedy.

— Joel McHale

Make it dark, make it grim, make it tough, but then, for the love of God, tell a joke.

— Joss Whedon

Men love a joke - on the other fellow. But your really humorous woman loves a joke on herself.

— Mary Roberts Rinehart

Atheists don't solve exponential equations because they don't believe in higher powers.

— Nikhil Saluja

I do find myself surprised by the comedy shows that seem to have the same joke week in week out.

— Clive Anderson

I only have eight jokes, but I can do 'em over a two-hour period of time.

— Ron Shock

You know you've reached middle age when you're cautioned to slow down by your doctor, instead of by the police.

— Joan Rivers

When you are in a room and your job is to write jokes 10 hours a day, your mind starts going to…

— Seth MacFarlane

I've included these little jokes and mysteries in my writing for the amusement of readers.

— Armistead Maupin

Would you ever cheat in relationship? I can't get one girl, how the hell do you expect me to get two

— Anonymous

A WISE MAN washes his hand after he PEES. But, A WISER MAN Doesn't PEE On his hand ...

— Pacifiersucker

My Girlfriend just said that I should stop acting like an year old. I almost choked on her boobs.

— Nikhil Saluja

The kiss, a sweet discovery of oneself after a long search.

— Nikhil Saluja

I don't really care for, like, fat jokes about women, specifically.

— Sarah Silverman