Jokes Quotes · Page 30

There are no relationship problems that can't be solved through suitable application of high explosives.

— Nikhil Saluja

Dear math, grow up and solve your own stupid problems I'm sick and tired of doing it for you!

— Anonymous

Fame is a big joke. Stars need to stop taking themselves so seriously.

— Avril Lavigne

Anything where we're the butt of the joke, no one tells us about it.

— Chris Martin

I've made a lot of grown men cry with laughter, because I really am quite the joke.

— Peta Wilson

Condoms are like women...most of the time they're pretty annoying, but you need them to get laid.

— Anonymous

When I'm telling jokes, I'm constantly in motion. I can't stand in one place.

— Eddie Griffin

You know you're on your period when everyone around you has an attitude problem.

— Nikhil Saluja

There were plenty of times some writers would make some kind of stupid joke to each other and then it was on…

— Jon Glaser

Most of my comedy is accidental, I would say. If I don't know what the joke is, I'm going to play it…

— Aya Cash

Try this out make say 3 words in in english mumble some spainish and combine it with a beat... There you go…

— Kevin McCarty

I keep to a minimum dialect, in-jokes about football (soccer) teams and soap opera characters, so as not to lose North American…

— Peter Robinson

A lot of people would flee from what they think is award-show cheesiness, and I don't. I often joke that my speeches…

— Tom Hanks

Everything was meant to wind people up [in Make It Big ]. I don't know why we had this great pleasure in…

— George Michael

“Finding out that you are not your lover’s only lover hurts, but not as much as discovering that you are the side…

— Mokokoma Mokhonoana

I dislike boats," Ragnor observed, looking around. "I get vilely seasick." The turning green joke was too easy. Magnus was not going…

— Cassandra Clare

I must say, I am thrilled with my fan base. For some reason some of them are quite young, so they are…

— Colin Farrell

According to a new report, since he's been governor, Chris Christie has spent $82,000 at a concession stand at MetLife Stadium. Now,…

— Jimmy Fallon

My role is almost a sight-gag. I have to be a woman to sing the lyrics "I am a man" to have…

— Max von Essen

I try to write three jokes every morning, although I don't know what they are. I write them as fast as I…

— Anthony Jeselnik

Our show was - it remained - you know, kids could watch it and laugh at it. And they wouldn't know -…

— Rue McClanahan

I don't like working by a monitor. I stand right next to the camera, and I'm very performance-oriented. That really means everything…

— Drew Barrymore

It's just if one person says anything it becomes click bait and then they start talking about the comedy climate which is…

— Bill Burr

Brian Posehn went up at 4:45 in the morning. And he gets lost at a certain point. I don't know if we…

— B. J. Porter

Me jealous Hahahahahahahahaahahaahaahahahahahhahahahahaahahaahahaahah lmao

— Kevin McCarty

All day my mind drifts off into fantasies and little stupid jokes.

— Jean-Pierre Jeunet

Lightning sometimes shocks people because it just doesn't know how to conduct itself.

— Nikhil Saluja

I used to joke that I was trying to sell out, and nobody would buy me.

— John Waters

For those who woke up in a Fussy mood this morning do me a favor, punch your spouse in their fucking face.

— Nikhil Saluja

I did a theatrical performance about puns. Really it was just a play on words.

— Nikhil Saluja

Always laugh heartily at the jokes your boss tells, it maybe a loyalty test.

— Anonymous

Let me rub your tummy girl till' you feel better babe, read you something funny, girl. Jokes to make you laugh.

— Miguel Jontel

Have you considered the option of getting the joke? If not, try it now and redeem your soul.

— Erik Naggum

When I was 14, I thought I was the coolest kid in school because I told everyone the jokes in FHM.

— Megan Fox

I learned to think about religion, race and sex through the complex and often unattractive medium of jokes.

— Andrew Hudgins

One of the great mysteries of life is how a man can leave his car keys in the refrigerator.

— Nikhil Saluja

A good mathematical joke is better, and better mathematics, than a dozen mediocre papers.

— John Edensor Littlewood

Why do we call it truth or dare when we all know it's really Who do you like or Awkward sexual task.

— Pretty Ladii

That moment when you say something and everyone laughs, so you just sit there like a boss.

— Anonymous

You name any horrific thing, and I can make a joke out of it.

— Quentin Tarantino