Jokes Quotes · Page 31

Crusaders have just f-ked me over what a bas-rd joke, excuse my language I'm absolutely furious.

— Keith Senior

I am a fan of whatever makes me laugh my ass off. If it happens to be a Jew joke, then it's…

— Alex Borstein

I can't find someone funny whom I don't like. Hitler told great jokes. I didn't find it funny at all.

— Ricky Gervais

I secrete jokes like the pancreas secretes... whatever the pancreas secretes.

— Marshall Brickman

Most men don't realize their wife's worth till a judge decides the alimony amount

— Anonymous

When I said What did I do this time? I really meant What did you catch me doing?

— Nikhil Saluja

Ladies don't ask for much. They just want shoes, diamonds, less work, free money & a perfect man.

— Nikhil Saluja

Dear Parents, go buy a calculator and solve your own problems. I'm not a therapist.

— Kevin McCarty

Boys from my generation all love Jim Carrey! But you know, just being in his house with him and pitching jokes that…

— John Francis Daley

the announcement that you are going to tell a good story (and the chuckle that precedes it) is always a dangerous opening.

— Margot Asquith

If parents snicker at racial and gender jokes, another generation will pass on the poison adults still have not had the courage…

— Marian Wright Edelman

“We are sometimes depressed by our failure to convince people who strongly believe that we are that we are definitely not depressed.”

— Mokokoma Mokhonoana

I think it's really important to be kind, especially to people whose lives are grim - I try hard to cheer people…

— Jo Brand

The human race has been set up. Someone, somewhere, is playing a practical joke on us. Apparently, women need to feel loved…

— Billy Connolly

Some of my friends and family have tried to challenge me to do jokes that aren't as self-deprecating, where I genuinely express…

— Maria Bamford

I think I have a reputation for being really serious. In interviews I use big words, but I'm just an emotional goofball.…

— Darren Hayes

When I'm concentrating, I can be fixed in place for hours. In fact, there was a joke in my office that everybody…

— Sonia Sotomayor

It is the simple truth that man does differ from the brutes in kind and not in degree; and the proof of…

— Anonymous

What was love, really? Flowers, chocolate, and poetry? Or was it something else? Was it being able to finish someone's jokes? Was…

— Richelle Mead

What joke can I say about Donald Trump that he hasn't said about himself? When he gets dressed, he comes out as…

— Michael Che

“Most people do not mind having a house that is smaller and/or a car that is cheaper than their neighbours’, as long…

— Mokokoma Mokhonoana

We used to joke about canned men, putting people in a can and seeing how far you can send them and bring…

— John Glenn

A lot of people live with no apparent means of support. I kind of envy the musicians up there. You're down here,…

— Kurt Voss

Here's the thing, with comedy - and I learned this from Will Ferrell - you can't be ashamed. If you're doing comedy,…

— John C. Reilly

I think I love jokes! The best jokes are equal to the best art, in my mind, and as rare.

— Travis Nichols

I've never written jokes. I mean, I'll write things on a piece of paper and riff on them onstage.

— David Cross

I don't really write jokes down. I tend to have a premise that I work out and test on stage.

— Adam DeVine

I think of myself as a comedian who has the pleasure of writing jokes about things that I actually care about.

— Jon Stewart

Failure and unhappiness is easier because you can make a joke out of it.

— David Nicholls

It got very tedious saying the same jokes in the same way with the same attitude.

— Norm MacDonald

Being fat is nature's way of saying, You're so good, I think I'll make more of you!

— Anonymous

I wanted to be funny. And I'm always acknowledged for my pranks and jokes nowadays.

— Steve Wozniak

Did you hear about the new reversible jackets? I can't wait to see how they turn out.

— Nikhil Saluja

I notice everything, sometimes I just don't say anything.

— Nikhil Saluja

Love dictates, but a kiss writes the secrets of the heart.

— Nikhil Saluja

Human being are some of character in games, They refill energy in sleeping

— Anonymous

A lot of the comedians don't even tell the joke. Like only three tell the joke, the rest of them dissect it.

— Bob Saget

I am a bit of a Cheap Pete, but I do spend a fortune on books and false moustaches and practical jokes.

— Karen Duffy

It's a lot easier, I think, to be an actor in a movie than to spin a joke on a sitcom.

— Nicole Sullivan

Laughter is the only tenable attitude in a universe which is a joke played on itself.

— Peter J. Carroll