Jokes Quotes · Page 33

As the old joke goes, I have all the sins together. I am a woman, a Socialist, separated and agnostic.

— Michelle Bachelet

I'm a fun person. I like cracking jokes and being completely nerdy.

— Helena Christensen

“I’ve been on a diet for two weeks and all I’ve lost is two weeks!” -Totie Fields-”

— David DeBacco

There are no ordinary people.. it is immortals whom we joke with, work with, marry, snub, and exploit.

— C. S. Lewis

People who do not want to be disturbed ,usually are already disturbed!

— Simi Ngr

The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single FUCK THIS.

— Nikhil Saluja

Why didn't the skeleton go to the dance? Because he had no body to go with.

— Anonymous

Seeing a spider isn't a problem. It becomes a problem when it disappears.

— Sharlene05

Let's hit the joke once and move on to the next joke and just keep it where we have as many jokes…

— Eric Andre

Prof: what is ethics? student juan; hmmm ethics are the cousin of ducks , what can you say sir? Prof: very good…

— Isay

I can't cuss and tell jokes the rest of my life. I gotta say something meaningful. I gotta give something back to…

— Steve Harvey

There's a joke in economics about the drunk who loses his keys in the street but only looks for them under the…

— Christina Romer

Where the fuck did that spider just go? An Australian summer musical featuring the hit song I swear I just killed you,…

— Ramandeep Singh

My friends are people who like building cool stuff. We always have this joke about people who want to just start companies…

— Mark Zuckerberg

You've no idea how good an old joke sounds when you take it out again after a rest of five or six…

— Anonymous

Being funny is one of my greatest strengths. I can make girls smile when they're down, and when they're having a good…

— John Krasinski

For April Fools Day, someone played a really cruel joke on me. They stole ALL my mirrors and I had to go…

— James Franco

I live right next to a grocery store and I don't know if it's the bachelor in me, but I just go…

— Anonymous

I remember thinking as I was doing the jokes for the first time, "If I can hear that very clearly, I'm not…

— Seth Rogen

I got this big fear of doing smoking jokes in my act and showing up five years from now goin' [puts mic…

— Bill Hicks

Comedy can be silly and gross and offensive, as long as there's sort of a point. You can make a joke that,…

— Steve Coogan

Son asks his father: Dad, how many kinds of boobies are there? Father answers: Well son, there's three kinds of breasts. In…

— Sharlene05

Even when I was on Curb Your Enthusiasm I wasn't this "over-the-top" crazy character. It was still kind of play it straight…

— Mekhi Phifer

I think you can be politically incorrect, but there's some responsibility with that. You've got to make sure that you are not…

— Sacha Baron Cohen

For some reason, religious jokes seem as trivial as jokes about food or driving.

— Emo Philips

My favourite things are jokes, friendliness and feeling comfortable.

— Billy Childish

I joke around all the time, 'I'm Asian; I'm really good at math.'

— Brenda Song

Thanks to everyone shaving you know what the crab count is down !!

— Kevin McCarty

If I say a joke and the audience laughs it makes me feel good.

— Rita Rudner

People make a lot of jokes about the empty nest. Let me tell you, it is no laughing matter. It is really…

— Michelle Pfeiffer

This global recession has had a detrimental effect on my sex life. It's ages since I've been able to afford it.

— Anonymous

The subconscious mind has no sense of humor and people often joke themselves into unhappy experiences.

— Florence Scovel Shinn

When you look at the average American you realize there's nothing nature enjoys more than a good joke.

— George Carlin

I have shielded myself against the volley of jokes that I have been made the subject of.

— Alok Nath

NASCAR : The most exciting sport for people who have never seen a fucking freeway.

— Nikhil Saluja

The best jokes on The Leftovers are the ones that make you feel a little sick to your stomach.

— Damon Lindelof

It's hard for me to say I love you because the word you isn't beer or sex or football.

— Nikhil Saluja

“You young men have too many jokes. When there are no jokes you've nothing left.”

— Henry James

“Some people ate less food less often when they each had a home than they now do as hobos.”

— Mokokoma Mokhonoana

Chuck Norris will never have a heart attack. His heart isn't nearly foolish enough to attack him.

— Jokes About Chuck Norris