Jokes Quotes · Page 35

I never used to be as good, you get better. I've just gotten better and quicker at figuring out the joke.

— Gerry Dee

Why are there no knock-knock jokes about freedom? Because freedom rings!

— Anonymous

Imagination is for Turbonerds who can't handle how kickbutt reality is.

— Ramandeep Singh

Billy (Martin) was a great one for jokes. He liked to play a joke more than anyone I ever knew.

— Mickey Mantle

My hobbies include trying to be funny and not succeeding

— Ramandeep Singh

You tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is 'never try'.

— Anonymous

How do you keep a Blonde busy? Give the Blonde a piece of paper that has the words 'Turn Over' on both…

— Anonymous

Another day at work...I'm having as much fun as a colorblind person playing twister.

— Anonymous

I played the tour in 1967 and told jokes and nobody laughed. Then I won the Open the next year, told the…

— Lee Trevino

I have friends who are going through chemotherapy, and they make the darkest, most hideous cancer jokes you've ever heard.

— Kathy Griffin

I'd come from the bottom of the barrel. Just Owen Hart getting out of the shadow of Bret Hart's little brother. Everyone…

— Owen Hart

My dad doesn't get any of my jokes. He laughs at them, but he doesn't understand them. He's just laughing because people…

— Zach Galifianakis

I enjoy making people laugh. The trick is to tell them jokes against yourself. If you praise yourself, your stories aren't funny.

— Michael Caine

I have never been able to see life as anything but a vast complicated practical joke, and it's better to laugh than…

— Robert A. Heinlein

Scientists are adding an extra second to the year 2015. Yeah. Here's the bad news. You just wasted it listening to this joke.

— Conan O'Brien

I am a crazy online shopper. My husband always jokes, 'Another box arrived!' Airplanes used to be my sanctuary for reading books,…

— Lisa Ling

Sometimes I feel that I am destined always to be offstage whenever the main action occurs. That God has made me the…

— Jonathan Coe

Most of us have participated in the trust exercise in which one person falls back and is caught by a peer. Even…

— Rafe Esquith

I was interested in all kinds of things, whether it be Avatar, Mad Men, Troy, 300, Battlestar Gallactica, or the poems of…

— Daniel Mendelsohn

I knew I just loved comedy, and I think it was my parents who initially brought up the notion of me trying…

— Seth Rogen

I remember a long, long day of filming and it took forever to get Kirk Douglas up on his cross. We played…

— Jean Simmons

Self-indulgence takes many forms. A man may be self-indulgent in speech, in touch, in sight. From self-indulgence a man comes to idle…

— Dorotheus of Gaza

I lose faith every time I have to start a new page, and this is no joke. I've occasionally been criticized over…

— Chris Ware

The only really good vegetable is Tabasco sauce. Put Tabasco sauce in everything. Tabasco sauce is to bachelor cooking what forgiveness is…

— P. J. O'Rourke

The novel is a game or joke shared between author and reader.

— Annie Dillard

If you let go of fart jokes, you've let go of a piece of humanity.

— Andy Samberg

If I made a joke about just dropping by, would you write me off as cliché?

— Cassandra Clare

when he smiles it's as if you'd just told him the first joke on earth.

— Mitch Albom

It's an ongoing joke that a black man is always the first one to get killed in movies.

— J. B. Smoove

When I laugh at jokes on the internet I don't even laugh. I just blow more air out of my nose than…

— Anonymous

When you're doing standup, it's just you. It's your written jokes. You perform it however your personality is.

— Tony Rock

You can never have a thousand percent batting average on jokes - it's just never going to happen.

— Paul Feig

I make a lot of jokes about vegetarians in my act but most of them don't have the strength to protest.

— Ardal O'Hanlon

Whenever I'm sick, my doctor jokes that I have Beiber Fever!

— Justin Bieber

Being an ugly woman is like being a man. You're gonna have to work. Yep.

— Daniel Tosh

His whole personality was like an elaborate joke that he never stopped telling.

— Lev Grossman

People who don't like cats haven't been around them. There's the old joke: dogs have masters, cats have staff.

— Betty White

Almost considered doing something with my life, but then I sat down and logged into Facebook...

— Kevin McCarty

A poem is a serious joke, a truth that has learned jujitsu.

— William Stafford

People say laughter is the best medicine. Your face must be curing the world.

— Hussein Nishah