I remember thinking as I was doing the jokes for the first time, "If I can hear that very clearly, I'm not… — Seth Rogen Copy Share Image
I live right next to a grocery store and I don't know if it's the bachelor in me, but I just go… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
I got this big fear of doing smoking jokes in my act and showing up five years from now goin' [puts mic… — Bill Hicks Copy Share Image
Comedy can be silly and gross and offensive, as long as there's sort of a point. You can make a joke that,… — Steve Coogan Copy Share Image
Son asks his father: Dad, how many kinds of boobies are there? Father answers: Well son, there's three kinds of breasts. In… — Sharlene05 Copy Share Image
I think you can be politically incorrect, but there's some responsibility with that. You've got to make sure that you are not… — Sacha Baron Cohen Copy Share Image
Even when I was on Curb Your Enthusiasm I wasn't this "over-the-top" crazy character. It was still kind of play it straight… — Mekhi Phifer Copy Share Image
An English professor wrote the words, "Woman without her man is nothing" on the blackboard and directed his students to punctuate it… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Science, the largest religion of the twentieth century, had become tarnished by images of exploding space shuttles, crack babies, and a generation… — Jim Butcher Copy Share Image
I know it's the comedian's instinct to say, "Do it, man, nothing's off-limits! It's cool, bro!" I don't know if that's the… — Bo Burnham Copy Share Image
Spurious prudence, making the senses final, is the god of sots and cowards, and is the subject of all comedy. It is… — Ralph Waldo Emerson Copy Share Image
Clive [Oppenheimer] and I figured out that I'm the only one probably in the film industry who is clinically sane. I say… — Werner Herzog Copy Share Image
No wonder we cannot appreciate the really central Kafka joke: that the horrific struggle to establish a human self results in a… — David Foster Wallace Copy Share Image
For April Fools Day, someone played a really cruel joke on me. They stole ALL my mirrors and I had to go… — James Franco Copy Share Image
Here's the thing, with comedy - and I learned this from Will Ferrell - you can't be ashamed. If you're doing comedy,… — John C. Reilly Copy Share Image
What are they waiting to see?" Sam follows my gaze and I shrug. "Who knows? You could always do a dance, or… — Sophie Kinsella Copy Share Image
I don't read all the junk. I joke if I did, I wouldn't get out of bed in the morning. But, Sometimes… — Gretchen Carlson Copy Share Image
It's just if one person says anything it becomes click bait and then they start talking about the comedy climate which is… — Bill Burr Copy Share Image
Brian Posehn went up at 4:45 in the morning. And he gets lost at a certain point. I don't know if we… — B. J. Porter Copy Share Image
When I'm concentrating, I can be fixed in place for hours. In fact, there was a joke in my office that everybody… — Sonia Sotomayor Copy Share Image
It is the simple truth that man does differ from the brutes in kind and not in degree; and the proof of… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
What was love, really? Flowers, chocolate, and poetry? Or was it something else? Was it being able to finish someone's jokes? Was… — Richelle Mead Copy Share Image
What joke can I say about Donald Trump that he hasn't said about himself? When he gets dressed, he comes out as… — Michael Che Copy Share Image
“Most people do not mind having a house that is smaller and/or a car that is cheaper than their neighbours’, as long… — Mokokoma Mokhonoana Copy Share Image
We used to joke about canned men, putting people in a can and seeing how far you can send them and bring… — John Glenn Copy Share Image
A lot of people live with no apparent means of support. I kind of envy the musicians up there. You're down here,… — Kurt Voss Copy Share Image
What are you reading?" Owen asks. "Charlotte's Web," Liz says. "It's really sad. One of the main characters just died." "You ought… — Gabrielle Zevin Copy Share Image
It's always been the same for me. I've always enjoyed acting, and I really love good actors; they're such unique characters. I… — Val Kilmer Copy Share Image
I started to make a joke that I had an imaginary friend underneath the let-out couch named Binky. I would never talk… — Keke Palmer Copy Share Image
I was one of those kids who liked a lot of attention. I was always the kid in class who'd be telling… — Lauren Worsham Copy Share Image
I had really not been out of the United States much, except for Mexico. I thought, "Jesus Christ, this [Russia] is like… — P. J. O'Rourke Copy Share Image
Nigerians are everywhere. There's an old joke, particularly about the Ibos, that when you finally land on Mars, you're going to find… — Chris Abani Copy Share Image
One of the things that got me thinking during therapy is that they say that fear is only thoughts, and nothing will… — Lars von Trier Copy Share Image
I must say, I am thrilled with my fan base. For some reason some of them are quite young, so they are… — Colin Farrell Copy Share Image
According to a new report, since he's been governor, Chris Christie has spent $82,000 at a concession stand at MetLife Stadium. Now,… — Jimmy Fallon Copy Share Image
My role is almost a sight-gag. I have to be a woman to sing the lyrics "I am a man" to have… — Max von Essen Copy Share Image
I try to write three jokes every morning, although I don't know what they are. I write them as fast as I… — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
Our show was - it remained - you know, kids could watch it and laugh at it. And they wouldn't know -… — Rue McClanahan Copy Share Image
I don't like working by a monitor. I stand right next to the camera, and I'm very performance-oriented. That really means everything… — Drew Barrymore Copy Share Image
I'm fascinated by mankind. I grew up watching 'Candid Camera' and thought it was funnier than any standup, any joke, anything that… — Howie Mandel Copy Share Image
![“I got this big fear of doing smoking jokes in my act and showing up five years from now goin' [puts mic to his neck and speaks as if he had a mechanical larynx] 'good evening everybody, remember me, smoking's bad. [puts cigarette to neck and mimics smoking it] Eeww. You ever seen somebody do that?…” quote by Bill Hicks](https://sms4smile.com/q/img-quotes/8be/bill-hicks-970_bigs_i-got-this-big-fear-of-doing-smoking-jok_612628.jpg)
![“Clive [Oppenheimer] and I figured out that I'm the only one probably in the film industry who is clinically sane. I say that as a joke, but there's a grain of truth to it. I'm not a stupid daredevil who jumps into the crater of the volcano to get the closest close-up, I'm not one of those. And you…” quote by Werner Herzog](https://sms4smile.com/q/img-quotes/e24/werner-herzog-964_closest_clive-oppenheimer-and-i-figured-out-that_2885607.jpg)
![“I had really not been out of the United States much, except for Mexico. I thought, "Jesus Christ, this [Russia] is like a whole new world." Instead of writing Michael Jackson one-glove jokes, all I had to do was go to these weird places and keep my eyes and ears open.” quote by P. J. O'Rourke](https://sms4smile.com/q/img-quotes/1cd/p-j-o-rourke-184_christ_i-had-really-not-been-out-of-the-united_1112120.png)
