“It is not true that the English invented cricket as a way of making all other human endeavors look interesting and lively;… — Bill Bryson Copy Share Image
The two real political parties in America are the Winners and the Losers. The people don't acknowledge this. They claim membership in… — Kurt Vonnegut Copy Share Image
“As a comedian, the more you commit the sin of stupidity, three essential things happen to your life: ~people applaud you incessantly.… — Michael Bassey Johnson Copy Share Image
Swearing relieves the feelings - that is what swearing does. I explained this to my aunt on one occasion, but it didn't… — Jerome K. Jerome Copy Share Image
He has been a doctor a year now and has had two patients - no, three, I think - yes, it was… — Mark Twain Copy Share Image
“I once bought my producer a case of Mountain Dew, his favorite soda, as a thank you for all he'd done for… — John Bennardo Copy Share Image
Liberace was certainly master and commander of the ivories ~ he is the only pianist I can watch or listen to without… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
The sky was so clear that the starlight cast shadows, and so many sparkles and glitters and glints appeared above us that… — P. J. O'Rourke Copy Share Image
“Nature" doesn't really have intentions, per se. Nature is a drunk waking up from a weekend bender, ambling through a messy kitchen… — Pat Connid Copy Share Image
“if I decide to help you, I want only two things in return. Freedom for my people" - it was what he… — Gene Showalter Copy Share Image
“Well, thank the gods,' he sighed. 'Oh? And what would it be you're thanking them for?' Bahzell inquired, and Brandark grinned. 'For… — David Weber Copy Share Image
Stop saying that humorous and funny people are the happiest people you've ever seen. There something behind that huge smile, loud cackle,… — Bernajoy Vaal Copy Share Image
“Flirt with the old ladies and you’ll be fine,” I muttered, shoving my stuff into the cubby. He hung his green hoodie… — Katherine McIntyre Copy Share Image
“The fireworks continued to burn and spread all over the school that afternoon. Though they caused plenty of disruption, the other teachers… — J.K. Rowling Copy Share Image
“It commenced raining one day and did not stop for two months. We went through ever different kind of rain they is,… — Winston Groom Copy Share Image
On summer evenings, when every flower, and tree, and bird, might have better addressed my soft young heart, I have in my… — Charles Dickens Copy Share Image
“A professional headshot in front of a bookshelf says you're an intellectual. A professional headshot peeking though a bookshelf says you're probably… — Ryan Lilly Copy Share Image
English history consists largely of royal people getting their heads chopped off...Needless to say, this brand of history was a hit with… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
I was trampled to death by a man who believed his luggage would be the first piece off. If he were an… — Erma Bombeck Copy Share Image
“Monique bit at the side of lip. “He’s pretty active, I don’t want to impose…” Tony stood and scooped up the puppy.… — Kirsten Fullmer Copy Share Image
“I laugh when i'm hurt. I laugh when i'm confused. I laugh when i'm angry. I laugh because others will laugh as… — Damien Buerger Copy Share Image
“We would not be ashamed of doing some of the things we do in private, if the number of sane human beings… — Mokokoma Mokhonoana Copy Share Image
“Chase had looked at the apartment—online—talked to the real estate agent—online—obtained references—online. Now, standing in the hallway, it was obvious he’d gotten… — Adrienne Wilder Copy Share Image
Men marry women with the hope they will never change. Women marry men with the hope they will change. Invariably they are… — Albert Einstein Copy Share Image
Everyone I talked to was a recording-the bank, the elevator, your office, the school, a wrong number. You used to be able… — Erma Bombeck Copy Share Image
The best song lyrics seem to me so artful, so brilliant, so warm and humorous, with both passion and wit, that my… — David Lehman Copy Share Image
“My dearest Pudding pie" I read aloud. "Yes, my little turnip?" "Hilarious," I muttered. "If you ever call me anything of the… — Jordan L. Hawk Copy Share Image
“When I can’t find something, I try to remember what I put on top of it. Whatever I was looking for is… — Linda Armstrong Copy Share Image
“You can crab over the morning paper and kick the shins of the guy in the next seat at the movies and… — Raymond Chandler Copy Share Image
You're all going to die. I hate to remind you, but it is on your schedule. It probably won't happen when you'd… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
I do this real moron thing, and it's called thinking. And apparently I'm not a very good American because I like to… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
When you're young and you get to choose between sleep and sex you take sex everytime. You start getting older, you get… — Jeff Foxworthy Copy Share Image
“You can shit in one hand and wish in another and see which one gets full faster. Or... you can just take… — C.V. Hunt Copy Share Image
You ask my advice about acting? Speak clearly, don't bump into the furniture and if you must have motivation, think of your… — Noel Coward Copy Share Image
I try to sing many different kinds of songs. If I sing a batch of humorous songs, I'll throw in a deadly… — Pete Seeger Copy Share Image
“Holy hell, Trev! What kind of move was that?” Trevor leaned over her with a big smile on his face. “You really… — Cecilia Aubrey & Chris Almeida Copy Share Image
It's very frustrating making a picture in Paris. We work hard all day at the studio to get a love scene just… — Bob Hope Copy Share Image
“Some people hate people who are overconfident, only because their overconfidence reminds them of their underconfidence.” — Mokokoma Mokhonoana Copy Share Image
“Some women have kissed—and some are kissing—a lot of frogs, even though the very first man that they have each kissed was… — Mokokoma Mokhonoana Copy Share Image
“Because he has finally realized that it is it and not him that is loved by the woman he loves, many a… — Mokokoma Mokhonoana Copy Share Image
